ok. so im scared.

I wasn't sure if I should write this post or not. As I said last night I talked to the wife. One thing I didn't mention earlier is that she said she really wanted to come over and get high. For some reason I really like hearing that. It setd up all sorts of internal conflicts though. On the one hand I really don't want her getting high. I'm worried that she will start using without me. I'm worried that she will get on speed again, and then that she will completely lose herself. That worry is big enough, that I don't want to chance it. On the other hand, I want to get high with her. I'm not even thinking about the sex we would probably have. I really don't care about sex right now. I want her to feel how amazing good dope is. I want to share that with her. More than I want the actual act thoughi just want her to want it. Not to be mean. I don't want to torture her. I have always loved looking into her eyes and seeing desire. It used to be desire for me. That is gone now. I get a similar feeling when I see her desire for heroin. When I can taste her need. Smell her want. So I'm worried. I'm going to try to not tempt her tonight. really I don't want her to come over after work. I do want her to call and tell me how much she wants it though. That takes me back to not being sure I could say no though. Of course this is also my last hurrah for a while. I'm gonna be out of money, I'm gonna have to detox, and so would she. We wouldn't have enough time to do anything stupid like get back together. I'm only getting half a gram. We wouldn't be able to get high for more than 2 days. I'm sorry honey. I decided it was best to be honest on here. I had to weigh my worries about tempting you with this post against my desire to have you tonight. If I didn't write this post I would try to convince you to come over after work. I still might try. At least now you know what I'm doing, and what I want from you. I want to shoot you up.