goodnight

Just got off the phone with her. I really love that were talking again and getting along. If I knew that I could keep this going, I wouldn't even be tempted to try to get her high. The friendship is worth far more to me than the single night that I want is. I've gotten the feeling though, that her desire to get high has in large part been driving our good relations. I could tell last week, that she was thinking about it again. That tension was back, and I could tell she was enjoying toying with it. I never should have been up front about it. I was horny, and really wanted to touch her. I should have resisted. Things haven't exactly gone down hill since then, but there is a difference. Now that her desire, and my wish are out in the open, it seems as if everything is tainted by them. We can't have a conversation without it invariably veering into the heroin/lets get high and fuck column. I don't like that. It was better when they were hidden below the surface. We both still knew they were there, but we could pretend like maybe the other one didn't know. We could just have fun. I want that back. Its gonna be hard for me though. I need to stuff my own shit, and keep off of that topic. I've been trying and failing to pretend like tuesday never happened. I need to try harder. I thought tonights conversation went well for the most part. I said a lot of things that needed to be said. I don't know if she heard any of it though. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if all she heard was me blaming her for my situation. Even though I don't blame her at all. No matter how many times I say that, it doesn't seem to make a difference. I try to explain, that this is all my fault. I had, and still have other options than getting high. It really bothers me that she feels guilty about the heroin. I hate that she seems to think I blame her. I don't blame her for the heroin at all. I am however still jealous. Thats why I don't like hearing her talking about hanging out with a bunch of CMC guards. Thats why I don't want her drinking. Thats why I don't want her dating. I am also concerned for her well being. I think that dating, and drinking are bad for her. Mostly I'm jealous though. I just had to admit that. I'm scared of getting her high. I'm mostly scared that shes gonna keep going. I'm scared that shes gonna meet someone thats a tweaker, and shes gonna start doing speed again. Even if she just kept doing heroin, or smoking pot, or drinking I would feel terrible. I say meet some guy, and I have to admit there is a tinge of jealously there too. Not only am I worried about her getting together with someone else, but I also don't like her doing things without me, that I want to do with her. I am honestly much more concerned for her well being than jealous when it comes to drugs though. I know thats hypocritical, it doesn't matter though. I will not stop worrying about her, and wanting the best for her. Just like I will not stop loving her. Its almost 1am I've got to get some sleep. I have to wake up at 530, and I need to take a shower first. Good night. Sleep tight.

P.S.
I think I'm gonna try to get on a bike ride this weekend. I think it would be good for me. I am gonna try to ride up and then down a mountain in the area. I think that might help me feel like not using. I hate to say it here, because I know shes gonna read it, but her blaming herself, makes me want to clean up so she doesn't have to feel guilty. I still love her enough that I don't want her feeling bad. I'm scared though. I'm scared if I clean up for her that I'll start expecting things she wont give me. I'm scared of that rejection that is sure to follow. I'm scared by how hard I would probably fall at that point. I will just have to wait and see. I'm getting better and better about her. maybe soon, I will be able to honor that love I have for her. Maybe soon I will be strong enough to quit without it making me need her.

P.P.S.
Thats was a really long post script.