Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Not sick anymore.

Well its been an interesting day. I woke up sicker than I should have been, with only one vicodin left. I took that and it got me well enough to work.

My ex-girlfriend gave me some viagra pens because she thought I would get a kick out of them. I did. They are a too big to fit behind my ears though so I didn't use them much. Well when the wife and I got together she found them in my car and decided she wanted to use them. She finders keeper'd them and started using them at work. She's lost a few of them, but honestly has done better than I ever have keeping a pen. This morning I found a viagra pen sitting on a desk at work. I shot the ex-wife (no were not divorced yet, but I think I'm gonna start referring to her as the ex-wife) a text letting her know I found the pen. She asked me to save it for her, and I started replying about how it was my pen, and she couldn't have it. We joked back and forth for a bit, before I apparently got too serious. I told her that I wanted to get high, and that more importantly I wanted a good fucking reason to stop. That made her all sad. I hate making her sad. I started trying to make her happy again. I shot her some funny texts which cheered her up a bit. Then I decided to make a treasure hunt for her with the viagra pen. So I made up 4 or 5 clues and stashed them at work. Then I left right as she was getting there. She said it made her real happy. I like making her happy, but I have to be careful. I need to not expect her to reciprocate.

I was stuck at some tweaker pad waiting for some tar to show up for like a fucking hour. I got super bored and so I texted the ex-wife asking her why heroin is so fucking hard to get a hold of (I mean seriously there was someone shooting speed right next to me, and cocaine available instantly too). Well she gets worried that I'm gonna do speed (eww). Asks me to leave that house and call her. I'm waiting for tar to show up though. I told her there was no chance in hell I would get spun, and that I would leave soon and call her. After another 20 minutes I gave up on the tar, bought some OC, left and called her. She asked me to clean up. I can't do that. Just like she can't be the person I need her to be, I can't be something I'm not. If I try to clean up for her its gonna set up expectations in my head, even if I try not to. Then when she fails those expectations, its gonna be a hard hard crash. I say I'm over her, and I largely am. Still I wish it could have been different. I wish she was capable of being what I need.

I'll try to update this more often. Not that anyone is reading it, or probably ever will. I find that the more I get over her the less I need to write. Maybe I should have called the blog "just got dumped by my wife".

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