I'm a bad person

Okay, I'm not even gonna pretend like this is anything but a message to you mags. Stay away from me tonight. Do not call me, do not text me. If I call or text do not pick up the phone. Do not reply. If you're curious, I will tell you later, but I am a dangerous person for you to be around right now. Stay away.

Feeling naughty.

I am feeling naughty today. I should find out tomorrow if I will be getting that job I really really want. I am super broke, but I think I'm still gonna get high tonight. I really really feel like getting some coke. I think that might be a good way to say goodbye to needles. It will also be a good way to pass the night. I was feeling really really confident yesterday, but today I am super nervous and worried. I don't know what I will do if I don't get this position. It will be a super big knock to my self esteem. Today one of my bosses pulled me aside. He told me that he called the guy that is making the decision on who gets this job. He said he talked me up a bunch. Apparently it is between me and a guy that is already at the location. This job has two portions, and I am by far the best in the area with one of them, but I am not all that experienced at the other one. That could hurt me. The thing is I am more than capable of doing both, I just haven't done one of them a lot, so I am a little slow at it. I'm a fast learner, all I need is someone to give me a chance. I spend most of my time not really caring about things. This is one of the few times I can remember that I want something so bad I can taste it. Not only that, but god I could quit getting high for good. I could save some money up and pay off my debts. I could make some friends down there, and build a life. Meet a woman that is mature enough to know what she wants. Finally have some kids. In short I could live the dream. It seems like this is a pivot point in my life. I've hung a lot on this one thing. I guess that's why I'm so nervous about it. Sorry I'm such a bad writer.

Update

So I got word back today from the job up north. I did not get it. I find that I am actually very happy about that though. I wasn't sure what I should do. Its good that the decision has been made for me. Now I've hung all of my hopes on this second job though.

My interview for it was pretty amazing so, I will be shocked and upset if I don't get it. Its about an hour and a half away, which is also closer than the job up north was. The trick is going to be not finding any smack hookups. I will be an hour and a half farther away from San Francisco, which will help.

Its going to be a challenge for me to make some friends down there. I think about what it takes to make good friends and all I can think of is finding people with similar interests. I don't know what I'm interested in that other people would be interested in though. I'm sure I'll find something though, and as long as the common interest isn't smack I will be pretty happy about it.

In other news, I'm doing really really well. I find myself being very happy. I am optimistic about the future. I think things are really working out for me. I moved today. I went from an empty house to living with 4 other people. I haven't been able to move my furniture yet, but I will get that done, probably this weekend. It seems like everything is coming together. If I had some steady pussy, my life would be almost perfect. If it was of the same quality as my wifes pussy. my life would be perfect.

Good night and god bless.

what now?

I don't know what to do next. In the last week I've gone to 2 job interviews. One in the bay area and one an hour and a half further south than I already am. I'm almost certain that I will get one of the positions. What has me torn, is which would be better. I should find out about the one in the bay today. Of the two I like the location of the one in the bay more, but I like the the people at the south one more. I'm not sure which is a better place for me. I'm concerned about not being able to clean up. In the bay, I'm real close to the bay, but I'm also real close to my family. South I'm far away from any smack, but I'm gonna be more bored. I guess ill just wait and see what I hear back today from the first place. I'm staying well on vicodin. I feel like a vampire that's forced to live on pigs blood. All in all its going well though. I've only fucked up the once. We will see how it goes.

the more things change..

I'm sitting in a park, downtown in my home town. Dopesick, lonely, bored.I curse my lack of memory. I can't think of anyone that's still in this town that I want to see. At least not that would want to see me. I'm sure there are people. I remember there being people there. I just don't remember anything about them. I've come to some interesting revelations in the past few days. I still don't know if they mean anything. My brother is a hippie now. He's gotten into all sorts of metaphysical shit. I don't know how to feel about that. There are things I want, but I don't know if I should want them. One thing I know for sure is I don't want to go back. I don't want to relive those 10 years. I want to want something. Who fucking cares anyway. I'm gonna get some icecream.

Well. Here goes nothing.

So I am going to a job interview tomorrow. It will be my third in about 3 months. my first was terrible. My second was amazing. Hopefully this one will not only be amazing, but will also end with me getting the job. I've known this interview was going to be coming up for a while. I didn't want to still be strung out when I went to it. I planned on detoxing the last two weekends. Somehow I still found myself setting this interview up on tuesday with only 3 days until I had to be there, strung out. So now I don't have time to detox. I will have to be on something when I go to this interview.

I feel like I'm caught in a bit of a catch 22. I need to be good at this job to boost my self esteem so I can not get high, but I need to get high to be able to do anything. I really really really don't want to be strung out anymore. I find myself getting high though, over and over and over. This weekend I'm really gonna try. I'm gonna leave all my works at home. I'm gonna stop and buy some vicodin, and I'm gonna try to step down slowly. God please let me get this job. I'm scared of what is going to happen if I don't get out of here. In fact I'm scared that I won't be able to quit no matter what. I'm scared that this time its going to be the end of me.

Stop reading now if you don't want to hear it. I tried to talk to her today. I don't mean just talk. We talk all the time. I think we are even going to be able to have sex every once in a while. I mean really talk. I guess that sounds kinda stupid. She won't let her humanity show to me though. I am so scared for her. I feel responsible, like I got her rolling. I see her progressing and showing all of the classic signs, and she still won't listen to me. I would do anything if I could just get her to stop, even for just a little while. She might see whats happening then. I know she isn't stupid. I know shes seen so many people make the same mistake she is making now. Is it her pride that gets in the way? She says she doesn't have a problem. She says it is ok. Does she know better and just refuse to tell me? I wish she could just show me herself. I know whats in there. I know her so well. Not that I understand her, lol. Why does no one else in her life try to stop her? I know I'm not the only one who cares. I am the least likely to be listened to though.

So I just rinsed some cottons from some morphine I had. I really didn't do anything to me. no rush no nothing. Now I wan't to call and get some more. I really really really don't want to do any more though. I want that shot I just did to be my last. I don't know if I'll make it through the night. God I could use some help. I don't have anyone to turn to though. I guess we will see what happens. Good night, and God bless.

Things are going well.

Things are going really really well. I am actually happy. Not for any external reasons. I am just finding myself in good moods. Sometimes when I'm bored I'm still tempted to bang some speed. There is absolutely 0% chance of that happening though. I think I've found the right ground under my feet.

Okay, I'm worried.

The wife is drinking. She has never been a drinker. She was really into speed and pharmies when she was really young, but cleaned up when she was 17. She was clean for almost 6 years. Right before we got together she shot speed for the first time with her then boyfriend. I convinced her to leave him by dumping my GF and promising we would be together. At this point I had almost 8 years clean. There were some rough patches near the beginning when I had to literally hold her down to prevent her from going out and getting speed. Things got better real quick though. I unfortunately erased all my good doing when I gave her her first shot of heroin. Fast forward to now. When she first started drinking it was a couple of shots and barely getting a buzz. She said it was okay, because she had never had a problem with alcohol, She was drinking socially, and she was barely getting a buzz. This in and of itself worried me. I will admit some of the reasons are selfish. I don't want her having sex with anyone. Her drinking increases the chances that she will have sex with someone. I don't have any real right to not want her to have sex with anyone. So this argument isn't really valid. I'm jealous that she is having fun, in such an irresponsible manner, partially because it is without me. Once again not a valid reason for her to not drink. It hurts that she was so adamant about not being in what she called an unhealthy relationship with me, when Healthy seems so far from her mind in other ways. This makes me seriously doubt all of her stated reasons for terminating the relationship with extreme prejudice. This might be unfair though, as she really has become healthier in many ways. She is going to the gym, continuing therapy, and as far as I know mostly staying single. I don't know if that is only so she can flirt with more men though. I'm sure she would argue that she doesn't flirt, but I've seen her. Perhaps she really believes she isn't flirting. She could just be doing what she finds gives her the best response back from men, without realizing what she is doing. Perhaps she does it subconsciously, as it gives her self esteem a boost, and makes her feel good. But I digress. There is of course the obvious risks associated with drinking. It ruins your decision making skills. She also makes herself a target of many predators. Although she probably enjoys the self esteem boost being wanted gives her. None of that is really new though. My single biggest concern though is the fact that she is an addict. Her alcohol use, is a real problem. Her denial of this problem is indicative of being an addict. She also has Hep C. Drinking will shorten her life. She is literally killing herself, but she doesn't see a problem. I talk to her every day, but generally not for long. We often have deep conversations, but she has made it clear that when I talk to her about her alcohol use, she views it as me lecturing her. She thinks it is terrible hypocrisy. I agree that my drug use is currently a much bigger problem than her alcohol use. Anyways, because of this, I don't know how often she is currently drinking. Last week it was supposedly 2 or 3 times. What I do know however, is that she is currently drunk, not slightly buzzed. This concerns me. In less than 2 weeks she has progressed from a couple of really weak shots, to really drunk. I'm concerned with the speed of the progression. Alcohol is a really sneaky dangerous drug. I know this as I had a multi year problem with it after I quit heroin. Honestly I don't think that her drinking is currently negatively impacting her life very much. I am however concerned that a) she won't realize it when it does begin to negatively impact her life, and b) she won't quit drinking when she does realize it. I don't understand how her best friend justifies supporting her drinking. Not that I am judging her, or honestly have any room to talk, after I shot her up with all sorts of drugs. I don't believe she is any more conscious of the dangers than the wife is. I also don't believe she would do anything to hurt my wife on purpose. There is however a concerning lack of maturity in both of them. As evidenced by the fact that the wife trashed our marriage, apparently because she wanted to be more irresponsible. I know the wife won't listen to me. She has rarely heeded my warnings on anything, and just because I've been right much of the time, is no reason to start now, right? For this reason If I get a chance to talk to her about it tomorrow, I will ask for only one thing. To please talk to her mother. Her mother is a recovering alcoholic, with much more experience and wisdom concerning this issue. Just as importantly she tends to listen better to her mother. I could say the exact same things, and not have any effect. To wrap this up, although I would being lying if I said I did not have selfish reasons for wanting the wife to stop drinking, I am much more concerned for her, and her well being, than I am hurt of jealous. I just hope that she doesn't wait until something terrible that cannot be undone has happened, to quit drinking. I've got to wake up in an hour and fifteen minutes, so I had better stop now. Good luck, and good night.

P.S. It might not seem like much, but I am proud of myself for not trying to bang her out while she was drunk. For some reason her being drunk makes me want her more. How fucking sick is that?

actually tempted to try speed.

wow how the fuck am I tempted to try speed. I don't like speed. Perhaps its just the lack of the opiates. I'm still not gonna do it. Not that its not fun and all, but it just lasts too fucking long. If they came up with a speed that only lasts 2 hours I would be down, but I don't want to be awake and unable to eat for that long. I would also need some crosswords or kakuro puzzles or something. God why don't I like the single easiest to get drug in the area. It sucks to be me.

God I'm bored

I am so fucking bored. I'm tempted to take more vicoprofen. I really don't need to though. I'm not in much pain, and I'm not sick. At least I'm not high though, right? I would really love some cocaine, but thats not a good idea. I suppose I could go do something, but I can't think of anything to do. Without something specific to take my time, I find myself feeling rather awkward being out and about. I don't particularly like being outside more than I like being inside either. I know thats weird, but hey I'm a weird guy. I planned on going on a bike ride up a mountain last weekend, but instead the weekend turned into a quest for dope. Not that I'm complaining, I had an amazing Sunday. The oddest thing happened today. The wife called me to tell me she wouldn't be able to make it over to pick up her phone. It was both unexpected and considerate. I can't get into expecting that kind of behavior from her though. Then she asked me if it was ok, which I don't like. I hate that she calls me expecting something so minor to upset me. Am I really such a whiny bitch? I don't think I am, but hey sometimes its hard to see yourself. I'll talk to you tomorrow. goodbye and goodluck.

It was a good day.

Today was a good day. It started off rather shitty. I woke up sick, not wanting to get out of bed. I popped some vicoprofen, and got out the door. Called the wife on the way to work. I had the feeling that if I didn't I was going to be very angry. It largely worked. I felt pretty good after the call, and got down to work. She called me when she woke up. I started to get angry again. I sent a couple of mean texts, and then stopped myself in the middle of one of them and called her. We talked for a few minutes and I started to feel better. I still think she is being naive, but I don't care as much as I did. What really got me yesterday was, the last I talked to her we were doing really well. She was going to call me when she got home. I then spent a couple fucking hours getting her phone all set up for her, and she wont respond to my fucking texts. When I do finally get a hold of her shes going to the movies with some dude. Thats why I overreacted. Anyways after talking to her I felt a lot better. I still don't know if I'm gonna clean up. I really really want to fuck her every once in a while. I don't know if thats gonna ever happen again though, and even if it does I'm not sure that some amazing pussy once a month is enough to keep me clean. Well I guess I'll figure it out a little bit at a time. Regardless, today was a good day. Thats nice.

well we were getting along.

And I was thinking I would be able to clean up. Tonight after hours of not getting a rewsponse to texts I called the wife. I got a call back a couple minutes later. You know one of those, let me get away from what I'm doing and who I'm with and call back things. Well I ask her what's she's doing and she says going to a movie. I say another date? And she starts getting super defensive. It not a date. That's pretty much all she said for the entire conversation. I wonder who's she's trying to convince. Does she think if she says it enough it will be true? I tried to explain in a rational manner, but I was angry and she has never fucking listened to me in her entire fucking life, so its not like she's gonna start now. I don't understand how she can be so fucking stupid. I'm so fucking angry. Fuck her fuck getting sober, fuck all of this. I'm just gonna fucking unplug from her and shoot my fucking troubles away.

a little bit upset.

I'm a little bit angry. Last night the wife called me and told me about a date she went on. Although she says she's not dating. It was a disaster, and she thought it was funny so she told me about it. I wasn't sure how to respond. I said I was confused and then told her I was hurt and angry. She didn't respond well. She shut down and got all quiet, and I had to spend 10 minutes convincing her I was ok. I was ok too. Today I'm texting her while I'm at work and I find I'm angry about it. How the fuck can she put hickies on me, and 2 days later go on a date. Once again I'm reminded of her and her best friends lack of maturity. Little fucking girls playing at being women. This is why I don't want her. This is why our marriage didn't work. Why the fuck is she dating already. Why the fuck does she think that's ok? The fucker showed up on a motorcycle. The thought of her legs wrapped around him riding that bike makes me see red. I really want to kill something. Why the fuck does she still affect me like this. She's been hanging out with these douchbags a lot recently. I'm sure that has a lot to do with her stupid best friend. Her best friend spends all her time being a cock tease and then doesn't understand why people look at her a certain way. That immaturity rubs off on the wife. I really think its her fault the wife is dating already. That's what it is whatever you want to call it. If you think this dude wasn't trying to get in her pants you're a moron. God id love to kick his ass. Any ways last nigght I told the wife that I was hurt and angry.. I did that because its true, but also because it seemed like she wanted to gauge my level of jealousy. It seemed to me like she wanted to know it still upsets me. It does. you leave me because you can't deal with being in a relationship, and want to be single, then you start dating. Anyways I'm doing the right thing today and writing it in my blog rather than texting her and telling her. God I wish I had his address. Id break his fucking kneecaps.

i still love her

Its been a few days since I wrote anything. 2 nights ago, the wife came over. We did a bunch of coke and heroin, and had an amazing night. She admitted to being bummed because she didn't think she would ever find anyone that she was as sexually compatable with as me. She also kept saying she loved me. That's nice to hear. Neither one of us wants to get back into a relationship though. Yesterday she was super sick. She was worse than she used to get. Heroin does not agree with her. I felt like shit seeing her like that. My selfishness did that to her. She hadn't switched paradigms yet though. She was still saying things like, next time we hang out I'm not gonna get high. We talked while we were loaded, and decided we should get together every once in a while to have sex. Today I expect her to completely deny any emotion, and tell me she has decided that she can't have sex with me. I hope she doesnt. We are way too good in bed together. I would much rather have sex with her sober so I can actually do a good job. If she doesn't change her mind I'm gonna use sex with her as motivation to clean up. Regardless of what she says I know she won't be able to spend the night with me while I'm using and not get high. I don't ever want to see her sick like she was yessterday. I can use this as motivation to clean up. Sex with her is way better than drugs are anyways. I spent over $350 on dope this last weekend. I don't ever want to do that again. I go to the dentist today. Hopefully they will give me some vicodin and I can use that to step down. I still love her but our relationship didn't work. I don't want to get back together with her. I do want to have sex once a monyh or so though. I know she wants it too. Hopefully she doesn't hide from those feelings. I should get to work.

What a shame.

So I just talked to the wife, and she has decided not to come over tonight. I haven't shot any dope all day, as I was going to make sure I could come in her if she came over tonight. I really wish she had texted me earlier and let me know that. I could have been high. (although I'm really still wasted from last night, so I can't complain too much). The bigger shame is that I've got some coke, and some better tar on the way. Tonight was her chance to speedball, which is something she has never done before. I told her if she really didn't want to I wouldn't try to convince her, so I'm not going to. Its funny how she gets stuck in her stubborn, I refuse to see look at things in any other way modes at the worst possible times. last week, she would have come over. I didn't want her to come over though because since I've probably got only one last shebang with her left, I wanted to make sure it was a good one. Everything I've done this weekend has been so that I could get her loaded. Of course I knew this might happen so I made sure to have a backup plan. That plan is to get super duper loaded. This dope I have is kinda crap. I shot over a gram last night, and yes I am still loaded but it shouldn't take that much. Thats why I've got something else on the way. The coke will be almost as much fun alone as it would be with her. God damn I'd love to fuck her as shes rushing on coke and H though. Oh well. Such is life.

Well I'm bit tired.

I didn't go to bed until 6:45 am. It it now 808 am. I think I'm gonna go back to sleep for a little while longer. I've got my alarm set for 11. I also have a bunch of heroin. I was talking to the wife last night, and I'm still a bit confused, but doing much better. I think she got all upset with me because I am giving her a hard time about drinking. Today, I'm gonna get a bunch of coke, and then I
m gonna have a good time. Lat night I kinda half heartedly attempted to get the wife over here for some fun. I wonder what will happen tonight. Honestly I am not at all worried about it. I am not really horny, and that takes away 90% of why I want her over here. I want to quit after this H though, but I don't think I can do that until I pound her out one last time. I want to be able to come that last time though. Its a big mess all around. I don't think I will be sick when I wake up. Maybe I should not get high until after I come. Can I do that? Would that be impressive, or sad? I have a long time to go. She hasn't even gone to work yet. I have 9 hours just till she get off work, and then she will take her sweet ass time to get here, if she comes over at all. I guess I'll text her and ask her. That is enough tired stupid rambling for the morning.

not exactl fair.vsnn gnl lodrfo nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I write this freely, of my own volation. I really like that it gives me a way to talk to the wife without havng to talk to her. I like that when I have an issue, I can just type it into this here building and then I can not text her. I'm jealous though. Imagine, if she would find a way to share what she es thinking and feeling. I am able to explain, what Is going on, and why. I think she would enjoy that as well. I think I already understand her better than most. The extra tools would be nice to have. She is on her "were broken up so you have no right to know anything or care" kick most of the time though. Honestly I'm pretty much perfectly okay with that. I don't want her to be that big of a part of my life, and I don't want to be that big of a part of hers. I'm nodding bad and needing to get some sleep. Good night.

goodnight

Just got off the phone with her. I really love that were talking again and getting along. If I knew that I could keep this going, I wouldn't even be tempted to try to get her high. The friendship is worth far more to me than the single night that I want is. I've gotten the feeling though, that her desire to get high has in large part been driving our good relations. I could tell last week, that she was thinking about it again. That tension was back, and I could tell she was enjoying toying with it. I never should have been up front about it. I was horny, and really wanted to touch her. I should have resisted. Things haven't exactly gone down hill since then, but there is a difference. Now that her desire, and my wish are out in the open, it seems as if everything is tainted by them. We can't have a conversation without it invariably veering into the heroin/lets get high and fuck column. I don't like that. It was better when they were hidden below the surface. We both still knew they were there, but we could pretend like maybe the other one didn't know. We could just have fun. I want that back. Its gonna be hard for me though. I need to stuff my own shit, and keep off of that topic. I've been trying and failing to pretend like tuesday never happened. I need to try harder. I thought tonights conversation went well for the most part. I said a lot of things that needed to be said. I don't know if she heard any of it though. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if all she heard was me blaming her for my situation. Even though I don't blame her at all. No matter how many times I say that, it doesn't seem to make a difference. I try to explain, that this is all my fault. I had, and still have other options than getting high. It really bothers me that she feels guilty about the heroin. I hate that she seems to think I blame her. I don't blame her for the heroin at all. I am however still jealous. Thats why I don't like hearing her talking about hanging out with a bunch of CMC guards. Thats why I don't want her drinking. Thats why I don't want her dating. I am also concerned for her well being. I think that dating, and drinking are bad for her. Mostly I'm jealous though. I just had to admit that. I'm scared of getting her high. I'm mostly scared that shes gonna keep going. I'm scared that shes gonna meet someone thats a tweaker, and shes gonna start doing speed again. Even if she just kept doing heroin, or smoking pot, or drinking I would feel terrible. I say meet some guy, and I have to admit there is a tinge of jealously there too. Not only am I worried about her getting together with someone else, but I also don't like her doing things without me, that I want to do with her. I am honestly much more concerned for her well being than jealous when it comes to drugs though. I know thats hypocritical, it doesn't matter though. I will not stop worrying about her, and wanting the best for her. Just like I will not stop loving her. Its almost 1am I've got to get some sleep. I have to wake up at 530, and I need to take a shower first. Good night. Sleep tight.

P.S.
I think I'm gonna try to get on a bike ride this weekend. I think it would be good for me. I am gonna try to ride up and then down a mountain in the area. I think that might help me feel like not using. I hate to say it here, because I know shes gonna read it, but her blaming herself, makes me want to clean up so she doesn't have to feel guilty. I still love her enough that I don't want her feeling bad. I'm scared though. I'm scared if I clean up for her that I'll start expecting things she wont give me. I'm scared of that rejection that is sure to follow. I'm scared by how hard I would probably fall at that point. I will just have to wait and see. I'm getting better and better about her. maybe soon, I will be able to honor that love I have for her. Maybe soon I will be strong enough to quit without it making me need her.

P.P.S.
Thats was a really long post script.

really want to know.

I could really handle hearing from the wife to see if she still wants me to call her. I could go off of the last thing she told me, which was that she wanted to be called, but its been more than 10 minutes which means that she has completely changed her entire belief system, and the new one is obviously the only way to view anything. It would be silly to believe the same thing every day. I'm guessing she doesn't really know what she wants. I want to shoot her up, and fuck her. I want to penetrate her viens, and then abuse her. I want to come in her one last time. I don't want to feel guilty about it though. I think that's what I really want from her. I wouldn't feel guilty about the sex at all. Id really even enjoy, just having sex with her, without the dope. I know she's not in a place to enjoy herself in my bed unless she's high though. I want to make sure she enjoys it. It'll probably be the last time I ever get to be inside her. So that's where I am conflicted. I want to do things that are bad for her, but I still care very deeply for her. I want what's best for her. This is just shitty. I'm not sure what to do. You could always shoot me a text and tell me what you want.

not sure how long i can keep this up.

I think I'm gonna have to call it quits soon. If nothing else, just for financial reasons. I've spent far too much money I don't have on dope. I'm still gonna get wasted this weekend, because tomorrow is pay day, but I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I still want one last night with the wife, but I'm conflicted. She told me to call her when I scored. I had just spent a couple of hours, talking it up. I know how to push her buttons. I know what makes her wheels turn. Yesterday she didn't respond to the one text I sent her. I get the feeling that she's scared. I don't like that one bit. I think what I'm gonna do, is not call her when I score. I don't want her scared to talk to me. I think I'm just going to pretend that Tuesday never happened. I won't call her when I score. Ill just post it here, so that she can call me if she wants. Id love to have her come spend one last night this weekend. Only if she wants to though. Hopefully that will be enough to keep her from being scared to talk to me.

Christina

Christina was my first wife. The marriage was about as successful as this most recent one. We were together for a lot longer before getting married, but we lasted an even shorter amount of time afterwards. I met Christina when she was 16. I was 18 and we both worked at Wendy's. I dropped acid everyday back then, and made french fries. I was the fry guy, Fitting right? Christina worked the register. I thought she was beautiful from the first time I saw her. She had an olive skin complexion, dark brown hair, and beautiful blue eyes. The first time I ever talked to her we talked about sublime. It was 1998 and their self titled album has recently come out. I was a poor dirty hippie, and she was much more upper class. One day she told me she had some weed, and asked if I had a pipe. I did, and after work I took her to a hiding spot in the bushes behind a drug store near our wendy's. She had about an eighth of some really good weed. I packed a big bowl, in my little glass pipe and began to smoke. She took 2 or 3 hits, and then started passing. It was just the two of us, so I kept smoking. Eventually I quit too. She really couldn't handle her weed, I mean she was really really stoned. (I found out later that she never really liked smoking pot) She said she wanted to go, so I quit smoking and walked her to a starbucks that was nearby, where she was meeting friends. We stopped in the parking lot, as I'm sure her upper class friends watched her say goodbye to this grungy piece of shit in holy clothes and long scraggly hair. The parting was uncomfortable. She was not at all interested, and seemed embarrassed to be seen with me. We didn't hang out again for 2 years.

The next time I saw her, I was at an ex girlfriends house. They were planning a trip to the city to get some H. I had just decided that I wasn't going to go. I was going to stay in town and not do any heroin that night. This beautiful woman, now 18 stormed into the house, and said "God I need some heroin, lets go to the city" I said "I'm going" We took two cars that day. I rode with her. That was an uncomfortable ride. I'm a social retard. I'm good at causing discomfort. One of my best friends and I both got a crush on her. We talked it over, and decided we would tell her how we felt and let her choose. I was a chicken though. I never told her that I was into her. She chose him. Not that she would have picked me instead. They started dating, and she decided to move to San Francisco. She invited him along, and I'm sure he went along with the idea. He is a fucking coward. (like I'm one to talk) He ended up knocking her up right before she moved. One day She came to town, and met up with me. She invited me to the city for the weekend. I went with her. That night we got loaded. We were so fucked up we were nodding off constantly. We were telling each other not to fall asleep. (I'f you're gonna overdose, falling asleep is how you're gonna do it. Heroin slows the heart rate and breathing rate. When you fall asleep your heart rate and breathing rate naturally slow as well. When you combine the two it often stops altogether.) We were so fucked up we would wake up from our little nod off dreams insisting that we hadn't been asleep, but that the milk had been there a second ago. We got to talking about how I was uncircumcised. She said she had never seen an uncircumcised penis. I pulled mine out and she started playing with it. The rest was history. I really do think she loved me. I was not her first choice though.

I'm not going to go into the terrible things she did to me, or all the times I stupidly forgave her right now. I never stopped loving her for a second. Eventually though there was just too much hurt mixed in with that love. One moment I would see my beautiful sweet wife. Then she would say something, and I would see a filthy whore. Then I would get mean to her. I decided she deserved someone that didn't see her like that. She deserved someone that didn't want to hurt her half the time. So the problem was, while I freely forgave, I could never forget the hurt.

We hadn't talked in months before she died. The last time I talked to her had been on her birthday. She had called me and asked me to take her back. She said she could move down. I told her that I couldn't take her back. She was crying. I tried to explain that she deserved to be with someone that wasn't mean to her. I reminded her what I had done to her the last time I had seen her. I had beat her and fucked her in the ass, before making her suck my dick and take my cum in her mouth. She left as I was asleep and left a picture of her when she was 17 with a note on the back. I still have the picture. It said " I love you, remember" Crying she said that I should just not be mean to her. I tried to explain that I loved her, but that it still hurt so bad. I found myself doing things I didn't want to do. She got angry and said that if I wouldn't take her back she wanted a divorce. 3 months later we were divorced. 3 months later than that she was dead.

She had a new boyfriend. She had been cheating on him with that old good friend of mine. He had said he loved her and that if she left her boyfriend he would date her. She got pregnant. She believed it was his baby. She told him. He told her that she should go talk to her boyfriend about that. She secretly went and had an abortion.

One night her boyfriend and her got in a fight. She told him that if he left she was going to kill herself. He said do whatever you want, and left. She called a few people. (I wasn't one of those people. At least I don't think I was.) When her boyfriend got home she was hanging from the rafters. A month later he killed himself too.

I just learned all this, talking to my ex-girlfriend. I now see that I was not the trigger for her suicide. I never really thought I was, we hadn't talked in months. I was the man that held her hand and led her down that road though. I was the man that told her it would be alright, when she got scared and wanted to clean up. I was the man that married her and then spent all our money on crack. I was the man that left her in the city alone. I am the man that didn't come pick her up when she called me from a detox center begging me to come get her. I told her I would be there first thing in the morning. I showed up and she was already gone. I later learned that was the first night that she turned a trick. she fucked some guy for $10. Thats how little she thought of herself. I can't help but think that, that is the night that she really died. So I might not have been the trigger, but god damn I was the one that handed her the gun.

We had made a promise to each other that when we ready to die, we would jump off the golden gate bridge together. Of all the promises that I've broken. Thats the one that bothers me most.

I still love you Christina. I still miss you.

good morning

It is a good morning. I'm feeling pretty tired even though I got more sleep last night than I had any night since Friday. I feel pretty good even though I don't have any dope. Tonight is exchange night too. I've got to remember to get to that. I missed it last night. I talked to the wife a lot yesterday. I told her about some things I want to do yo her, and she told me she wanted me to call her when I got some dope. I'm not horny at all anymore and it all seems like a bad idea. I'm sure she is re thinking whether she wasnts to get loaded too. She switches so violently from one thing to the next, I never know what viewpoint she will 100% support. I'm always a little more middle of the road. I think if we get high together we will be fine as long as we don't keep getting high every day. I'm sure I can keep it to a one night at a time thing though. I'm also sure I will be aided by a violent switch to not wanting anything to do with dope for her too.

How the fuck am I so horny?

Today was a good day. I woke up this morning after about 2 hours of sleep, and shot the last of my OC. I made some coffee, took a shower, and brushed my teeth. I show up to work this morning, and my stacking weekly file thingy is missing. In its place is a note that says "it wasn't such a good idea to hide my pen, now was it? Or something to that effect. I was expecting something of this nature, and was not disappointed. I had to find a note, in my wifes drawer, then taped to the back of a monitor, on a cardboard baler, and underneath the cardboard cover of a security device. In the end my files were hidden in a freezer. All in all it was a good time, today was a very light work day, and I don't know what I would have done, had I not had the scavenger hunt to while away my time. I was quite stumped on the second clue, but a call to the wife fixed me up. She gave me enough info to help guide me without making it too easy. I think we should have more scavenger hunts at work, although the wife informed me in no uncertain terms that we were even, and I shouldn't hide any of her things.

The second half of the day turned out to be interesting as well. I went home to each on lunch, and I had to stop by my old therapist office to pick up a check. I got back to work to find that I was stupidly horny. This built throughout the day until I was actually sporting a hard on at the very end. I tried to get out of there without doing anything stupid, but that wasn't to be. What started off as thinking about sex turned into thinking about sex with my wife, and because she has no sex drive turned into thinking about getting her high and then having sex with her. For some reason I find that even more arousing. At the end of the day she came over to my work area to answer a question I had asked earlier. I pulled her over and gave her a hug. She said that she didn't think that was a good idea because she didn't always believe me when I said I didn't still want her. Funny thing is when I hugged her, I felt nothing emotional. I wrapped my arms around her too, feeling what it feels like to have her lay in my arms. Still nothing. I confessed to her how stupidly horny I was and told her that I wanted to shoot her up and then fuck her ass. I left out the choking and beating, I never know if she is going to be repulsed by the idea or not. I saw the veins in her arms, and thats when my body gave me a reaction. I started stroking her veins, thinking about filling them with some coke and heroin. I thought about pulling the needle out and pushing her to her back. holding her body down with my forearm as I undo her pants. climbing on top of her and penetrating her. I thought of her high as a kite, lying on her back, getting fucked for the price of a high, and loving it. I thought about coming in her. God I thought about coming in her. First off I was thinking of coming in her ass, but later I decided I'm not sure what hole I'd like to fill up. I came home and beat off real quick trying to get the images out of my head. It didn't work. I resisted the urge to text her and tell her that I wasn't sure which hole I wanted to fill with my cum. Instead I just beat off again, this time venturing into thinking about tag teaming her. Getting her high, and whoring her out, or fucking her with some buddies. Filling all of her greedy wholes as she lapped up our come, loving every minute of it. The second time did the trick. I found I was able to think normally again. I rinsed my cottons and started reading some websites.

That junkie bitch called me and asked me for a ride to south county to pick up some pills. I obliged and got a little bit of OC for my troubles. That and she put $10 worth of gas in my car and I burned maybe $2 worth. I shot that OC to get to my current elevated state of being, and now I'm here. All in all today has been a good day.

Not sick anymore.

Well its been an interesting day. I woke up sicker than I should have been, with only one vicodin left. I took that and it got me well enough to work.

My ex-girlfriend gave me some viagra pens because she thought I would get a kick out of them. I did. They are a too big to fit behind my ears though so I didn't use them much. Well when the wife and I got together she found them in my car and decided she wanted to use them. She finders keeper'd them and started using them at work. She's lost a few of them, but honestly has done better than I ever have keeping a pen. This morning I found a viagra pen sitting on a desk at work. I shot the ex-wife (no were not divorced yet, but I think I'm gonna start referring to her as the ex-wife) a text letting her know I found the pen. She asked me to save it for her, and I started replying about how it was my pen, and she couldn't have it. We joked back and forth for a bit, before I apparently got too serious. I told her that I wanted to get high, and that more importantly I wanted a good fucking reason to stop. That made her all sad. I hate making her sad. I started trying to make her happy again. I shot her some funny texts which cheered her up a bit. Then I decided to make a treasure hunt for her with the viagra pen. So I made up 4 or 5 clues and stashed them at work. Then I left right as she was getting there. She said it made her real happy. I like making her happy, but I have to be careful. I need to not expect her to reciprocate.

I was stuck at some tweaker pad waiting for some tar to show up for like a fucking hour. I got super bored and so I texted the ex-wife asking her why heroin is so fucking hard to get a hold of (I mean seriously there was someone shooting speed right next to me, and cocaine available instantly too). Well she gets worried that I'm gonna do speed (eww). Asks me to leave that house and call her. I'm waiting for tar to show up though. I told her there was no chance in hell I would get spun, and that I would leave soon and call her. After another 20 minutes I gave up on the tar, bought some OC, left and called her. She asked me to clean up. I can't do that. Just like she can't be the person I need her to be, I can't be something I'm not. If I try to clean up for her its gonna set up expectations in my head, even if I try not to. Then when she fails those expectations, its gonna be a hard hard crash. I say I'm over her, and I largely am. Still I wish it could have been different. I wish she was capable of being what I need.

I'll try to update this more often. Not that anyone is reading it, or probably ever will. I find that the more I get over her the less I need to write. Maybe I should have called the blog "just got dumped by my wife".

been a few days.

Its been a little while since I wrote anything so I'm about to remedy that. I think the last I wrote was wesnesday when I got some tar. Its funny because earlier that day I texted my wife and told her I officially had no habit which wasn't even remotely true, but hey I'm not too worried about morality. So I got loaded Wednesday night and spent just about my last dollar on the dope. On Thursday that junkie bitch I get my dope from called me and asked for a ride to north county to pick up some dope. I obliged and got a chunk of dope to shoot for my trouble. I got totally wasted on Thursday night. Like can't fucking walk loaded. Then my ex calls me and my loaded ass talks to her for an hour. Then my ex from 15 years ago finds me on facebook, I chatted with her for a few but I was way to fucked at that point to be coherent. She threw me for a loop, I did not expect to hear from her. She was my first real love and the next day I thought I might have been hallucinating. Alas I was not, and while she sounds different on the phone now she is still kinda a cunt. I don't know why I ever loved her lol. I've been dry since Thursday living on cottons and vicodin. I'm now officially out of vicodin and I am not sure what I'm gonna do. I think I'm gonna try to go to sleep when I get off work and sleep through the night. Hopefully I won't be too sick tomorrow. I was pretty bad this morning though. The wife called me last night and asked me if I'm staying clean. I said yes. I don't know why I'm lying. I've largely stopped thinking about her, and I really mean it when I say I don't want her back. At this point I don't think I even want to clean up. The dope is the only thing that makes my life bearable at this point. Maybe if I can find another reason to live. Or alternately if I die. Either way.

I would like to thank Jesus.

Praise the lord. I have heroin. Not some shitty pill, honest to god dope. Smack, tar, H, chiva. I don't have much, and it was a pain to get it. I'm a little bit loaded right now, so I'm gonna go enjoy it. I might give you the run down in a little bit. Oh and if you're being a bad girl and reading this when I asked you not to. You should be a little bit more of a bad girl and come over tonight.

OK, so I might have kinda done it all already. Like I said I didn't have much. If you're interested I could get a little bit more. You have no tolerance, it wont take much, and this is better than that kaz shit. Think about how good that would feel. Give me a call.

good morning.

Well, I'm sitting at work waiting for my vicoprofen to kick in. Its most of the way there already but I'm still cold, and my legs hurt. I think something bad happened to that junkie bitch I've been getting those dilaudid from. I'm not exactly sure yet as she is not the most articulate person alive. I am probably gonna be dopeless for the next week and a half.that's kinda rough. In a week and a half ill be able to make a run to san francisco and get some h. Until then I don't know how much ill post. I guess we will see.

awesome.

Today, once again I get to work with my whore of a wife, and the guy she cheated on me with. How the fuck do you have a good day with that?

cant stop thinking about her.

I can't get that self absorbed bitch off my mind. The most frustrating thing is, I know wherever the cunt is, she not thinking about me. I keep asking myself how she could fuck me over so badly. I mean how do you do that to someone? Even after all she's done to me, I couldn't fuck her over half as much as she's fucked me over. Now I know I didn't exactly resist, and yes that's my fault. I never should have trusted that stupid cunt. I knew better. I knew she was a fickle whore. I knew she had no self control. I knew how stupid she was. I knew all of this and I still married her. What does that make me? I have the urge to text her, and ask her what it means when the man that knows her better than anyone else thinks she's a stupid selfish bitch? What does that say about her? I know I fucked up by trusting her, but its not like you can blame me for expecting a person to not totally fuck me over every chance they get. I hate her because I can't get over the fucking hurt. I hate her, because I'm constantly reminded of her betrayal. I hate her because she is still so self absorbed, she doesn't even think she messed up. It makes me want to teach her a lesson, but like I said I can't hurt her. The only thing I can do is hurt myself. She's so self absorbed id have to kill myself to get through to her. Oh well, if things keep going this way I won't have to. Fuck you whore.

what a night.

So I didn't sleep much. I was up most of the night playing video games, slamming dilaudid, and updating the how to shoot drugs portion of my blog. I went to bed at about 330 am. I woke up this morning hurting. I took a penicillin, took a couple of vicodin. Went back to sleep for 10 minutes, and then drove my happy ass to work. One of my co workers is the biggest complainer on the face of the earth. Its funny because she is complaining about another coworker coworker complaining too much. That's rich. I kind of want to text up the whore and have her look at the new addition to the site. its not written particularly well, and I left some things out of it, but I'm kinda proud of it. How fucking sad is that? I should get to work. If you're readig this I hate you, you vile cunt. Fuck you, for breathing.

*edit*
A couple of things I forgot. First of all even though I was actually kinda high last night, I managed to come. Probably not what you want to hear. I. Really had to work at it, lol. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Secondly, my liver has been hurting for a few days now. Its by no means the first time, I have hep c. Not sure if its something to worry about, I'm not jaundiced yet. This morning my left side hurts too lol. I keep thinking about people reading this blog. If this keeps up I might be dead before the first person ever sees it, ha ha ha. You know it does make me smile that I gave that cunt hep c. God, how could she be so fucking stupid. I mean yes I admit I was stupid for ever trusting her, but dumb bitch has hep c now. Cunt is still probably gonna outlive me.

Better now.

I had to settle for Dilaudid, but at least I'm high.

When I left work today, the wife was out front smoking. I couldn't help myself and I texted her. If you recall yesterday I sent her a picture of where I gave her, her ring, and she responded where is that. Today I said "you really don't recognize it?" She responded something on the order of "the picture is small, and I don't remember any bench in the sand." So I said "It's not sand, it's on top of a hill. Well played. I'm sorry I broke down and sent it to you." Then I texted, "recognize it now?" I never got a response. At about 5PM I called her to tell her that seeing her, had fucked my head and now I had to get high. I just wanted her to know, that I had been doing ok, and now I had to stab myself. She picked up the phone, and said "I'm at work, what do you want?". I said nevermind and hung up. She sent me a text saying "are you ok?" I replied "when was the last time I was ok? I thought better of what I was going to say." That is the extent of my communication with her in the last 2 days.

I am so fucking angry with her. I just can't get over it. I was doing fine all day, and then I just couldn't cope with it anymore. Now I feel fine, I don't really care about the whole being married to a slut thing.

I don't understand how she can live with herself. I keep remembering promises that shes broken. I don't understand how anything can be worth being that bad of a person.

I have wanted to call her all day, and tell her how much I hate her. Tell her how much shes hurt me. Tell her how I have to kill myself a little bit, just to cope with what she did to me. I'm sick of shooting dilaudid, but I just can't look at her. I don't know how much longer I can stay in this town.

gotta get high.

I guess I made my decision. I was wanting to clean up. That's not gonna happen though. I can't help myself. I see her and I just can't fucking cope. I'm gonna get high today. One way or another.

my trip to the dentist.

So I went to the dentist today. I didn't get my tooth yanked though. Its still too infected right now. I made an appointment for the 20th. I could have made an appointment for the 7th, but it would have left me a little too strapped for cash. I really want some tar. I'm not sure if ill settle for dilaudins again though. I think I should just wait til some tar shows up. I'm really tempted to drive to san francisco. After paying for gas id only have like $40 left though. And while that would get me a gram and a half, its really crappy shit. Id rather pay more for better dope here. There just isn't any available. Oh well. What the fuck.

i married a worthless stupid cunt

I don't know if I ever straight up mentioned it. I work with my wife. I also work with the guy she cheated on me with. Its a wonderful feeling to see that douche bag almost every day. Its a wonderful reminder of what a worthless whore my sweet wife is. If you think I'm being harsh tell me, what kind of a woman does that? A worthless fucking whore. Fuck you, you vile stupid cunt. I wish there was something I could do other than destroy myself. I can't hurt her though. Even though I want to.

good morning

I woke up feeling pretty good. I'm not sick, and my face doest hurt that bad. I texted the wife a picture yesterday. I sent her a picture of that bench, that I was talking about yesterday. She replied asking me where that was. So either she hadn't read that post yet. She isn't reading this blog at all, or she did read it and she is trying to make it seem like she didn't. I don't really think she is smart enough to do the third, which leads me to believe one of the first two. Of course the whore doesn't recognize where I gave her the ring. I'm not sure which would upset me more from the second. If she is still reading this after I asked her not to, or if she finds it so easy to stop. Anyways I've got to get to work.

the top of a hill.

When you don't have good connections in a city its frustrating. I'm sitting on top of this hill, looking out at the city I live in. I know there is heroin out there. Stashed in peoples houses walking around in their pockets, driving along the streets. I can see it, everywhere I look. I just can't touch it, I can't get it in my hands. Speaking from experience there tends to be multiple junkie circles in a single town. There is of course some overlap, but often these circles are blissfully unaware of each others existence. There is heroin everywhere you go. I've seen junkies is towns of 300 population. I know there's plenty of that beautiful black tar in this city.

So I'm sitting on top of this hill right next to my house. I'm sitting on the bench that I gave my wife her ring o. We did shit backwards. I knew that would come back to haunt us. I knew I shouldn't give in. We had already been married a couple of weeks when I decided she needed a ring. I went out and bought the nicest ring I could on credit. I brought it back to town, and met up with the wife. She had, had a bad day. I didn't want to give it to her when she was in a bad mood, but I was super anxious and excited to give it to her. I brought her on top of this little hill and sat her down on this bench. We talked, and I cheered her up a little bit. She still wasn't in the best of spirits but I decided to go for it anyway. I fumbled the ring out of its case, somehow not raising her suspicion. I was so nervous I was trembling. I don't know why I was so nervous. We were already married. I guess I just didn't want to fuck up. I was already worried about her not getting the type of wedding or proposal she deserved. I got down on one knee and I asked her if she wuld be my wife until the end of time. Of course she said yes. She cried, and her worries were forgotten. What a lying cunt.

fuck this shit.

My face fucking hurts. I can't get any tar, and I don't want to shoot any more diluadid. I guess I'll just deal with the fucking vicodin. My face is freakishly deformed, I look like a fucking mutant. I'm sitting here bored and lonely, but too fucked off to go to a friends BBQ. I really don't like sitting at home, not talking to anyone all fucking weekend. Next weekend if I'm not hellishly sick, I'm gonna make sure I get out of the house, and talk to some people. That worthless fucking whore. Sorry had to throw that in there. I'm am under no delusion that people want to read me bitching about my cellulitis, and my whore of a wife. The vicodin is kicking in a little bit. I think I'm gonna hike up to the top of a hill close to my house and watch the fire works. When I get back, I'm gonna try to add to the only good part of my blog, apart from the pictures of my wife naked lol. I want to add a step by step post on how to shoot H. Maybe add in some info on how to shoot pills. Figured I could at least be of some public service.

My trip to the ER.

So I fell asleep for a few hours this morning. I woke up and my face hurt. I did a second rinse on my cottons. I sent out the text and the call, in an attempt to get more. I then went into the bathroom, and took a look at my face. The swelling is worse, the pain is worse. I looked inside my mouth, and next to the tooth is an open sore. I press on it, and puss leaks out. I got as much of the puss out as possible. The swelling was still huge. That and this headache, had me worried. I decided I needed to go to the ER. I'm not sure that was the best idea. I don't think they were keen to the idea, that I'm on dilaudid, but I think they underestimated the pain I'm in because I am currently on drugs. I told them that I had finished my prescription of vicodin that I had from when I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago. They only gave me 15 vicodin. I am going to have to get some more from my dentist when I go to see him. I am out of dilaudid, and I don't want to buy any more. I want to use these vicodins to step down gently. Maybe make it til next weekend. I have about $100, and I don't want to spend any of that on drugs unless some heroin shows up in town.

In the next room at the ER there was an older german lady, whose children had brought her into the ER because she was suicidal. Listening to her explain to the doctor that she was thinking of trying to hire someone to kill her, was both funny and one of the saddest things I've ever heard.

She is so stupid.

I didn't talk to the wife at all really yesterday. Its nice. I go a long with my everyday life, and I forget just how fucking stupid she is. I was just thinking and I remembered what life had been like when we were in love. How the fuck could this dumb cunt give up on that. It's like she has no memory. She is incapable of realizing that how she feels right now has not alway been, and is not how she will always feel. with all of our back and forth. She has never realized this. I don't understand how she can be this stupid. I've said all this before many times. I felt like saying it again though, so fuck you.

Have a good day.

Not sure what to do.

I don't know what I am going to do. My face hurts. I just shot my last dilaudid. I have cottons left from the last 4. I could probably get 2 shots out of that. I'm going to be in terrible pain when I'm out of this stuff though. I need to remember to take my temperature regularly. If it gets too high I need to go to the ER. I just took it and it was at 96.6. That can't be right. Now 97.3. This probably had something to do with the fact that I just ate some yogurt. I am going to let my mouth temperature get back to normal before I freak out too much, I am getting interesting results when I take my temperature inside my cheek. On the right side I'm getting 97.5. On the left side, which is the side with the infection I'm getting 98.4. It is almost a degree hotter on that side of my mouth. I would really love to get through this weekend, without going to the ER or buying more dilaudid. I am going to have to see how ibuprofen affects the pain. I only have 36 hours to go. I am doing well in other ways though. I have no urge to call or text the wife, and I feel good about being single. I wish I had more friends, but that has more to do with my complete lack of interest in most everything. I don't have much in common with most people. That makes it hard for me to make friends. Most friendships are built around common interests. Luckily I'm not that needy for human companionship. In fact with this blog, I am able to express myself. This takes care of a large portion of the reason why I crave companionship. I still want to have friends, and I need to find a new vagina, but there isn't any crazy need for it right this second. At this point I am more interested in getting this blog to show up on google. I don't care if anyone reads it, or likes it, but for some reason, it being available to be read, makes all the difference.

changed the layout and coloring.

I like it. I think I'm going to change it around from time to time. I don't want to get bored. Its too bad that I just asked the wife to not read this blog anymore. I would like her input on the new design.

Oh well, the whole point of this thing is to give me an outlet for the fucked up shit in my head. That way I don't text her and tell her that I think she is a stupid bitch, that is only good for one thing. Having her reading it kinda defeats the purpose. It also makes me start thinking about her reaction to what I say. That not only changes what I would say, but it also makes me want to call her and ask her what she thinks, which is never a good idea. Its stupid of me to want her opinion on the new design. It would not turn out well. She would either lie, or she would not be at all interested in it. Either one is bad.

Gotta go run some errands before I can even think about sleeping. Have fun while I'm gone.

Swing and a miss

I still haven't slept. I was stupid nodding off tired, so I went to bed, and then I couldn't sleep. Laying in bed felt amazingly wonderful though. I love the feel of the blankets on my skin. Anyways I just fixed, and for the first time in a while, I had a really hard time with it. It took me 4 pokes to get it in me. When I finally did, I pretty much blew out a vein in my hand. I got a rush, and I'm definitely loaded, so It could be worse. Its just another reason why I need to take a break for a while.

So I have today off. I have nothing to do. I have no friends, my brother and I aren't talking, My face is all swollen, and I don't really have any money to waste because all of my extra money has already been spent on dilaudid. If nothing else, I want to not buy any more dilaudid. This shit is nickle and diming me. Its not as good as heroin, and I really don't want to do it anymore. Of course quiting opiates takes a lot more than just not wanting to do them anymore. I'm gonna see if I can find a dentist that is open today, or tomorrow. Pretty sure I'm fucked though. It is the 4th of july weekend.

well maybe not quite yet.

God, what a worthless fucking whore. That cunt cheated on me. She stood there and took her vows. Then she fucking cheated on me. After we got married we went to the grand canyon. That first night there, we said our own vows. Alone in the wilderness we reaffirmed our commitment to each other. Then she fucking cheated on me. I forgave her. I took her back. Stupid bitch never admitted that what she had done was fucking wrong. I should have fucking known. We talked about what had happened. How she had started feeling. Basically she had gotten bored. There was no excitement left in our life. We didn't do anything fun. She started talking to a guy that gave her that excitement back. Stupid fucking whore. One day I got off work early. I called her and she told me she was going hiking with him. I didn't like it, but I trusted her and handled it well. I went home. Her wedding ring was sitting on the bookshelf. I lost it. I sent her a million texts and called her a million times. She didn't pick up. She didn't reply. Selfish little cunt. That day hiking they had confessed their feeling for each other. He had said that he wanted to kiss her. She had asked him why he didn't. My fucking wife asking another man why he wasn't kissing her. While I'm franticly trying to get a hold of her. Worthless cheating whore. When she got home we talked about it. I believe she was honest. We drove down to Santa Barbara and had dinner. Had a good night. The next day was my birthday. I turned 30. We had a great day. Wonderful sex, bike rides, ice cream. The next day we went to work. She was distant at work, Wouldn't return my texts. Said it was because she was working. She said she loved me. Took her break without me. Texted me once on it. I got off work. I decided I was going to check up on her, check the text message log on our cellphone plan. That day I went from very happy and content, to miserable in no time. The first thing she had done when she woke up that morning was text him. All day at work she had been texting him. Texted him her entire break. She stood there and told me she loved me when she was texting this other man behind my back. Two faced lying slut. I was livid. I drove down to our work, and I grabbed her phone and I read her texts. She talked about moving with him and staying with his brother. He talked about how horny he was. There were obviously texts that had been deleted. The stuff that was there was so bad, and yet there had been texts that were worse that she had deleted. I called him. I asked him to not talk to her for a couple of weeks so I could try to work it out with her. He actually complied. Thats one of the major reasons he is still alive. That night she lied to me more. She texted him a few times, right when she got off work. I asked her, and she said she texted him once. I checked her phone and there was one text on it. her asking him if he was done with her now. Her silly puppy dog love being crushed by her mean husband. I wonder what was in the texts that were deleted. I still don't believe her assertion that nothing physical happened. Filthy lying whore. We tried for the next week. I got more and more stalkerish. That part I shouldn't have done. I should have kicked the cunt to the curb when I first caught her cheating on me. I didn't want to let go though. I didn't want to believe that everything she had ever said, everything she had ever promised had all been bullshit. It was bullshit though. I set us up for marriage counseling. She refused to go, she said there wasn't any point. Thats the annoying part. She is always so convinced that whatever she is feeling at the moment is correct. She is too fucking stupid to think back and say, you know what I really loved him. I might not feel it right now, but if I give it a chance I would probably feel it again. I might not be happy this fucking second, but I can think back and remember that I was. I should work towards that rather than being a selfish cunt and only thinking of my personal happiness this very second. I took that cunt to my house and I fucked the shit out of her. Then I went to marriage counseling alone. The therapist and I had a good talk. I told her about my drug history, she said that the most important thing was that I not get high. I didn't even consider that an option. I wasn't worried about getting high at all. Two days later I told my mom that the wife and I had split up. She called me and said that I should come up to the bay area and visit for the weekend. Right that moment I decided to get high. I went home and packed my shit. I called the wife on the way up and was all cryptic and shit. I wanted her to know I was going to get loaded, but I was conflicted. I wanted to get loaded with her, but I didn't want to hurt her. She caught on, she did not respond as I was hoping. I stopped in San Francisco, at 16th st and mission. tried to buy some cocaine and heroin. fuckers sold me crack instead of powdered coke. There was no heroin there. I went to the tenderloin. I bought some heroin. I fixed for the first time in 8 years 3 months and 9 days in a parking lot somewhere north of oakland. That weekend I told her that I wasn't getting high. I didn't know how she would respond, and I didn't want to tell her when I wasn't there. When I got back I had her come by my house. I told her that I was getting high. I made her suck my dick while I smoked crack for the first time in almost 9 years. I made her watch as I shot up. Then I shot my wife up with heroin for the very first time. We had sex, and laid around and told each other how much we loved each other. I told her to spend the night. She refused. She told me to save some for her for wednesday night. She went home and told her friend that she had just done heroin with me. That next day at work, she had changed again. She said she didn't want to get high. She had gone once again from being the woman I love to a complete cunt in absolutely no time. A week passed. We talked, but she was still a frigid bitch. She didn't want to get high she said. I found some cocaine on the floor at work. I did a speedball for the first time in way too long. I saw her on my way home for lunch. I told her that she should come over that night. I could see that she wanted me again. I could smell the carnal desire on her. I could tell that I was having that effect on her that I used to have. I did all the cocaine when I got off work anyways. I went out searching for cocaine so I could have some for her when she got off work. I tried in vain to find some. Turned down a lot of speed. That night when she got off work she called me, she said she didn't want to get high. She told me that she had been horny the previous day, and had wanted to call me. she had been too stoned though. I told her I didn't have any drugs, and asked her to come over anyway. I wanted to talk. I honestly don't know what I wanted to talk about or what I expected to accomplish. I still had not accepted what a worthless whore she is. I knew back then how stupid she was being. How she was doing what I described earlier, lost in the illusion of her present selfishness. I know that is what is still going on. Now I just don't ever expect her to get better. She came over and we talked. She was horny. I was having that effect on her. I started to put the moves on her. She told me she couldn't. She didn't say she didn't want to. I would have known that for a lie anyways. I can read her desire. She said she couldn't. I asked her why not. She said she had promised him she wouldn't sleep with me anymore. I asked her why the fuck she had said she needed to be single and had then run off and gotten into a new relationship within a couple of weeks. She said she wasn't in a relationship. Which is stupid, because if your'e promising someone you wont have sex with other people, you are most certainly in a relationship. Apparently she had only promised to not have sex with me. That doesn't remove anything from the previous statement though, because who the fuck else was she going to have sex with? I explained this, and she said she still couldn't. She was going to hang out with him that night. I guess she didn't want my come slurping out over his dick. That is kinda gross. I raped her. I raped her, and she loved it. I asked her if she wanted me to stop, and she said no. She begged me to keep fucking her. I complied. She asked me to hit her. I complied. I beat her and fucked her, and got her off four or five times. She begged me to come in her. I complied. Afterward she got dressed and left. I texted her and got no response. I called her and she told me that her friend, that she had confessed the heroin use to, had told her dad, who had then told my wifes parents. My wife played the victim that night to her parents. Her face was a little swollen from the rough sex. She said that I had raped her and hit her. She described the one time I had gotten her high up to that point. She told them that she was crying, and asking me not to do it, telling me she was scared. Probably described me holding her down and forcing her against her will to get high. She left out entirely the part about her loving the sex. begging me for more. Begging me to hit her. She left out entirely the fact that she had been shooting speed with her ex, before her and I ever got together. that the heroin night had not in fact been her first relapse. I had not taken 6 years of sobriety, I had taken 7 months. 7 months that I had helped her get, by physically preventing her from getting high. I was there that night I shot her for the first time. She wasn't crying when we did it. She had been crying earlier. When I was smoking crack. She offered her arm, and I tied it off. She said she was scared. I told her it would be okay. She asked me to tell her I loved her. I told her I loved her, and then I shot her up. The next day, her father called me and told me he would make my life very difficult if I ever talked to her again. Her best friend, the one that had spilled the beans. Texted me threatening me. I texted back, and tried to explain what had happened. It took me a while, but I finally figured out that they not only thought I had forced her to get high, but that I was also an abusive woman beating rapist. I was okay being called a worthless junkie. I am not abusive though. I have gotten rough with my wife, only in bed, and only because she specifically asked me to. I enjoy it only because she enjoys it. I have tested this out. I decided that she was too much trouble, I decided that it had gotten to the point where I didn't want to go any further down that road. I was not willing to have people think those terrible things of me. If that meant we didn't ever see each other again, I was okay with it. That weekend, on Friday, She called me up. She had left some shoes at my house and needed them. I told her I didn't want to see her. I put her shoes on the front porch and went back to bed. She called when she got here and asked if I wanted to go have a cigarette with her. I went out front and we smoked. We smoked and talked. I had three days clean at that point. I could tell once again that she wanted me. I knew that, that meant she had gotten physical with her new boyfriend, and that he had not measured up to my standards. I teased her a little bit, but didn't give her anything. I went inside and went to bed. The next day on saturday, I drove to the bay and bought some dope. On sunday, she again called me. Said she had left her hairspray at my house. I put it on the front porch, and started cooking up a shot for myself. She called me again, so I went out and smoked with her. I confessed that I had not been a good boy. Her desire exploded. She came inside with me and we made plans to get high that night. We had to go to a company meeting first. We went to the meeting, and I texted her, about our little secret. She didn't really respond. After the meeting I texted her and she didn't respond. I called and she didn't pick up. Finally she texted me to tell me she was at her boyfriends house. She had apparently made plans to spend the night before she ever came over to my house. She said she was going to take a shower and go to bed. That night my wife slept next to her boyfriend and I got high. The next night I think it was she spent the night. We got high and fucked. I ran out of dope. Two days later Is when we took those pictures of her covered in blood. We weren't even on drugs. We were both just high on our lust for each other. We started getting more dope. She spent every night with me. She started wearing her ring again. We got back together and decided to try to make it work. She promised that she would never do anything like that again. She promised that she wouldn't give up on me again. She promised that if she started feeling different she would realize it was temporary. She re dedicated herself to me, and I accepted her back. I had always been dedicated to her. We started going to couples therapy. We got better at communicating. Our relationship was healthy. She started to get weird about the heroin. She said I was doing too much. I did less and gave her more. She continued to get weird about it. suddenly out of the blue she decided that she didn't want to get high anymore. We fought over it. We quit getting high. I went to the city in an attempt to buy dope but not do it. I wanted to sell it and make some money. I needed money to pay for her ring. The one I already had, and one she wanted me to get her. I also was already planning on moving. I needed money for that. We got high for a couple of days. We went to therapy and she decided that now she was going to leave me if I didn't stop. We flushed the rest of our dope down the toilet. I got some percocett to keep us well til the weekend. We quit. She stopped communicating. A week went by. She decided that she wanted to move back out of my house. To spend 3 or 4 nights a week away from me. To give her her space and her own identity. To make our time together better. She moved her things out. She stopped communicating. I had been reading her texts almost nightly the entire time we were back together. Her messages changed from we are going to therapy, and trying to work it out, to when we break up I need to be single. She had already decided we were through. Once again the dumb bitch had gotten lost in her immediate desire. Rather than 3 night away. She spent a week away. When she finally did spend the night, we had terrible sex, but fun playing video games, and watching tv. That night I checked her text messages like I had been. She had started talking to her boy toy again. Telling him that she knew she had messed up with him, and he would never take her back. That she needed to be single when she broke up with me. Filthy cheating whore. I had been reading her text messages most of the time that we were back together. She had a couple of issues. She liked to flirt with a guy named Jacob. And she liked to flirt with an ex of hers. She refused to do the right thing with either of them. Although she was good talking to Jacob most of the time. She would meet up with her ex downtown, and give his drunk ass rides home, while he told her how much he loved her. Stupid bitch. She had texted the boy toy about a week after we were back together telling him she loved him, and that she was sorry, and that maybe one day the time would be right for them, and they could finally be together. Stupid fucking whore. She did all this while promising me she would be faithful. She did all this after promising me she wouldn't be so stupid the next time she got a stupid urge, or started feeling a different way. The lying fucking whore promised me she wouldn't give up on me again. Less than a week after she moved out she was already texting ex lovers talking about what she would do after she broke up with me. Worthless Worthless Worthless, lying cunt. The one bright spot in all this is that while we were together, I fucked the shit out of her. I shoved vibrators in her pussy while I fucked her in the ass. I whipped her and fingered her and video taped all of that. I have multiple copies, backed up in safe places of her being the biggest whore imaginable. I have video of her telling me she wants me to run a train on her, while I fuck her in the ass. Video of myself slapping her face with my dick repeatedly. I could go on, but you get the picture. I probably have 4 hours of video total. I've threatened her with releasing it, but I wouldn't do that. I still love the bitch. I wouldn't ever do that to her. She knows I wouldn't. I wrote all this down because on thursday we started talking again. She says she is still super anti libido girl (whore is probably fucking someone else by now). She also says she is tempted to get high with me, but that she doesn't want to. I spent thursday night wanting her. I spent friday writing in my blog, thinking more about what she would think about what I wrote than about what I thought about it. Hoping that she would give me the response I wanted. I wrote everything that I just wrote to remind myself what a worthless whore she is. To remind myself that I want nothing to do with her. To remind myself, what she would do to me if I gave her the chance again. She would lie and cheat, and break my heart again. Thats what she is a lying cheating worthless whore.

Okay, now I'm done.

Still awake. Its now 5:40am. I was going to try to stay awake all night. I have some errands to run tomorrow. They are of he very important kind. I need to re up my check into cash payment. So I need to take $300 to the place, and then write a check and get my $255 back. basically I am paying $45 interest. I have to do it so I can pay rent though. Hopefully I can be done with that place after my next paycheck. We should have a bonus on it. I am fully nodding off now. With the little day dreams that go with it and everything. My face is still swollen, but it doesn't hurt. Of course the lack of pain could be from the drugs. I'm pretty excited that I haven't had to shoot lidocain into gums yet this time. It worked last time, but just barely. I'm gonna have to try to get some sleep. Hopefully I don't over sleep. Goodnight.

Calling it a night.

I think I'm done for the night. I having a hard time reading, even with one eye closed now. I started my guide to scoring in San Francisco. I will be editing and adding to it as I remember things. I'm gonna add a picture to this post because the post with the pictures in it fell off the bottom of page 1. I like having these pictures on here. She is super sexy, when she's covered in blood.

Please stop reading hon.

I'm sorry to have to ask you, but please stop reading this mags. I need to know that I'm not doing this for you. I need to know that what I'm writing is the truth, and not just an attempt to get a reaction from you. I'm sorry I ever pointed you in this direction. Today I was more concerned with what you thought about what I was writing than what I was writing. That defeats the entire purpose. I was as far as I know still telling the truth, but I am just as capable of lying to myself as you are to yourself. Well maybe not quite as good at it as you are.

This takes me to the interesting situation that no one is reading my blog. I don't even read it myself. I don't think it needs to be read though. I think it just has to be written. This blog software is pretty amazing though. Perhaps I will look into all the stuff I can do and try to get myself higher up on googles pages. Perhaps I will do a guide to scoring heroin in san francisco. That would be pretty sweet. Then I just need to visit other big cities. I could compile a list of where the dealers hang out as well as a few basic rules to scoring h on the street.

fucking miserable

God I fucking hate her for being happy. How fucking dare she be happier without me than she was with me. This just goes to show what a worthless cunt she is. I can think of no other explanations. I'm by no means perfect, but anyone that can stab their husband in the back, and then actually be happy in their day to day life is seriously fucked up.

My face fucking hurts

God damn it, my face is fucked up. My tooth must be getting infected again. I actually finding myself wondering how long it would take for this to kill me. I doubt it would happen before monday. I kinda do hope it kills me though. I can't kill myself, but I don't really want to live anymore. If I am going to die, I don't want it to be in a bad way. I don't want my mother to have to hear about me killing myself, or overdosing. I think it would be better if it was just some freak infection. Maybe I will get hit by a bus.

I don't get it.

Why the fuck do I want to call her? I don't even want to talk to her. I have nothing to say. I know nothing good will come out of it. I have to remember what type of a person she really is. So why the fuck do I have the urge to call or text? I don't fucking care. I'm not going to do it. I'll find another way to stay busy until I can get my tar.

I don't know what to think./ now longer with unrelated shit

Ha ha ha. So it looks like the google ads that are added to my blog are all for recovery centers. That is fucking hilarious.

I would like to take this time to thank Jesus. Jesus saw fit to make sure that there was enough dope left in my cottons for me to not only get well, but get a bit of a rush as well. I am very thankful to Jesus for this.

I'm not sure I'm ready to quit the smack. Last night was rough on me. I start thinking about the wife, and I forget all the terrible shit. I don't know how I'm gonna do sober. I'm worried.

Oh and I couldn't add a post for some reason so everything above this was edited onto this post. Everything below this is the original post.


So I'm sitting here, waiting for this deal to hopefully go down. I'm not sure its gonna happen. I don't know that I'm really all that upset about that. No heroin means no temptation to call the wife. That is a definite plus. I was just sitting here thinking about our honeymoon. How does something go from that to this? How does a person allow themselves to change that much? I need to make sure I don't lose sight of what a selfish little bitch she is. Regardless of how much fun it might be to fuck her. How could someone break that many promises? I really don't understand how she lives with herself, let alone feels good about what she is doing. If you have to be such a terrible person to get what you think you need, is it really worth it? Then she goes and worries about the stupid things. She feels guilty, not for what she did to me, but because I'm getting high. How stupid is that?

Whatever, I guess I'm gonna see if I can get anything out of my cottons. I took a nap today. It was amazing. My tooth is definitely getting infected again. I don't know If I can make it til monday to get it ripped out. I don't know what I'm going to do until then. I was hoping to have some nice black tar to get me through the weekend. I don't know what I will do if that doesn't come through. Fuck it.

going crazy.

I'm kinda losing my mind. Even though I'm still kinda high, I'm horny as all hell. I'm seeing women, and that carnal hunger is springing forth from my loins. Women I normally wouldn't look at twice. I just need to get laid. Maybe I will be able to come by the time I get off work. Its been almost a week, and I really need to blow off some steam. I still don't see the wife as a sex object though. Something there has changed. Don't get me wrong, when I watched one of our videos last night, it turned me on. The video I watched was the first time she was double penetrated. I shoved her strap on in her pussy while I fucked her ass. The look on her face as she gets pounded by two rods, is amazing. I flipped her over onto her back, and we were face to face as I fucked her ass. I love doing that. Looking into her eyes as I penetrate her ass. Anyways the point was, while our videos still turn me on, seeing her doesn't. I wish I had a woman I could get to blow me. I would love to shoot all this inside of someone. Right in the mouth would be perfect.


Anyways I've got some errands to run after work. I don't know if I should come when I get home. What do you think?

lunch time.

I'm antsy today. I've pretty much finished all my work. I'm gonna have to find something to keep me busy for a few hours more though. If I go home right now, I'm just going to obsess on getting that h. I'm out of dope at home. I might be able to get well one more time off of my cottons. Might not though. Posting what I did about the wife has pretty much gotten her off of my mind. I'm gonna try real hard to not to call her tonight. Maybe I will see if I can find some coke. I would love to speedball. I haven't had a speedball in months. It would be one hell of a way to go out. I really really want heroin. I thought you might not know that. I'm gonna head back into work and try to stay busy so I can kill some time.

I would also like to apologize for the typos in the two posts previous to this one. I am doing all this from my phone. Even when I see a mistake it is often too much of a pain in the ass to go back and change it

ok. so im scared.

I wasn't sure if I should write this post or not. As I said last night I talked to the wife. One thing I didn't mention earlier is that she said she really wanted to come over and get high. For some reason I really like hearing that. It setd up all sorts of internal conflicts though. On the one hand I really don't want her getting high. I'm worried that she will start using without me. I'm worried that she will get on speed again, and then that she will completely lose herself. That worry is big enough, that I don't want to chance it. On the other hand, I want to get high with her. I'm not even thinking about the sex we would probably have. I really don't care about sex right now. I want her to feel how amazing good dope is. I want to share that with her. More than I want the actual act thoughi just want her to want it. Not to be mean. I don't want to torture her. I have always loved looking into her eyes and seeing desire. It used to be desire for me. That is gone now. I get a similar feeling when I see her desire for heroin. When I can taste her need. Smell her want. So I'm worried. I'm going to try to not tempt her tonight. really I don't want her to come over after work. I do want her to call and tell me how much she wants it though. That takes me back to not being sure I could say no though. Of course this is also my last hurrah for a while. I'm gonna be out of money, I'm gonna have to detox, and so would she. We wouldn't have enough time to do anything stupid like get back together. I'm only getting half a gram. We wouldn't be able to get high for more than 2 days. I'm sorry honey. I decided it was best to be honest on here. I had to weigh my worries about tempting you with this post against my desire to have you tonight. If I didn't write this post I would try to convince you to come over after work. I still might try. At least now you know what I'm doing, and what I want from you. I want to shoot you up.

not too bad.

I got 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night. Somr interesting things happened. I talked to the wife about the pictures. She is still super non libido girl, but it got me going. I haven't been that horny in a long time. I was too high to finish myself off though. She said that she liked the way her back looked after she had been whipped. I absolutely loved beating her with my belt. Although I did call her at around 1am to see if she was still awake, and might provide some motivation to finish? I still as horny as I was felt good about us not being together. I watched some amazing videos we made, I still couldn't quite get there. That's alright, I will have plenty of time to beat off when I'm done with this dope.

I woke up this morning feeling sick, and with mt tooth hurting terribly. I think its getting infected again, and I think I'm gonna have to get it pulled. I rinsed my cottons, and while I didn't get a monster rush by any means, I'm not sick. Oh for some reason having these pictures of my wife online, really turns me on. I'm gonna see if I can edit more. She might let me get away with some other shots.

results.

I'm kinda disappointed. I didn't miss or anything. I'm kinda high, but I'm not oh my god holy shit I cant walk high. I'm really no where near that. The picture above is what happens to your skin sometimes when you shoot things. It is usually worse when you miss. This one wasn't a miss but still got the skin all splotchy. I think it looks kind of cool. The experiment was doomed to failure anyways though. Once I drew it up, I noticed that it was over 80 units. I didn't want to empty it out and boil it, so I decided to just put 15 units off to the side for later. So I still have a piece loaded with 15 units worth for tomorrow or whatever.

I am honestly hoping I will never shoot pills again. This stuff is not good for you. Most of a pill is binder and filler. Binder and filler can wreak havok with your organs. It wont hurt you if you do it a few times, but over years it will kill you faster than heroin will. So heres to hoping that I never crush another dilaudid, or OC, or anything.

Wish me luck.


P.S. I started chewing some tobacco and it is intensifying my high. I'm still not nodding off or anything, but I am finding it much easier to read this with one eye closed. Hey It's good practice to type with my eyes closed.

the experiment

Ok. I am about to run an experiment with the purpose of finding out, what shooting two 8mg dilaudids at the same time will do to me. I propose that it will make me extremely high, with a moderate chance of vomiting and the inability to think, walk, or speak efficiently. I further believe that it will be lots of fun.

Wish me luck.

sad really.

I'm going to buy more dilaudid. It's sad really. It's such a waste of money, when there is perfectly good dope out there. I do have to admit though. The dilaudid rush is growing on me. Hopefully I'm gonna get some heroin tomorrow. After that I think I'm gonna detox. I'm not gonna have much of a choice. I'm gonna be out of money.

Remember what D.A.R.E. stands for. Drugs Are Really Expensive.

She really was the perfect woman for a while.

I knew it could't last, but she really was the perfect woman for a while. I checked, and adult content is allowed on these blogs. I will be posting some pictures, that are heavily edited to preserve her anonymity. Until I get her permission I wont post anything traceable.

I don't have any pictures that don't show her face from our early relationship. She was an amazing woman. We did things that neither of us had done before, and I'm not talking sexually. She woke me up, and showed me how empty my life had been before her. I started to hope and dream again. I started to care again. The sex was amazing from the first. The wife loves it rough. I'm much less into the rough stuff as I am into a woman being into whatever I'm doing to her. This woman gets into it. She loves rape fantasies, and group sex fantasies. She used to get wet when I would tell her stories about letting my friends fuck her. She would beg to be beaten during sex, and come over and over again.

You see why I love girls with issues? Do you have any idea how long its going to take to find another woman I can do this with? I know I shouldn't be surprised by what she did to me considering how fucked up she is, but my fault is that I fall in love too easy. I did love her too. I thought we could make it.

Life was good for months. She used to send me nude pictures while I was at work in an attempt to get me to come home early and fuck her. It usually worked.

At this point I'm gonna skip the bad parts and instead go straight ahead to when we started using. One thing I did not expect was for heroin to make her go crazy stupid horny. It did though. She became insatiable, and though I am not really that into sex when I'm high, I would fuck her for hours. She started loving taking it in the ass, and nothing was too dirty for her.

She loved getting beat with a belt.





One time, when we didn't have any dope. We just used syringes to draw each others blood. We injected each other with it, and then I squirted it on my dick and all over her body. I made her lick her blood off of my cock, and then I fucked her blood stained body.




Sorry for the white areas, I don't feel comfortable showing anything that could trace me or my wife. Not that anyone is reading this.