i still love her

Its been a few days since I wrote anything. 2 nights ago, the wife came over. We did a bunch of coke and heroin, and had an amazing night. She admitted to being bummed because she didn't think she would ever find anyone that she was as sexually compatable with as me. She also kept saying she loved me. That's nice to hear. Neither one of us wants to get back into a relationship though. Yesterday she was super sick. She was worse than she used to get. Heroin does not agree with her. I felt like shit seeing her like that. My selfishness did that to her. She hadn't switched paradigms yet though. She was still saying things like, next time we hang out I'm not gonna get high. We talked while we were loaded, and decided we should get together every once in a while to have sex. Today I expect her to completely deny any emotion, and tell me she has decided that she can't have sex with me. I hope she doesnt. We are way too good in bed together. I would much rather have sex with her sober so I can actually do a good job. If she doesn't change her mind I'm gonna use sex with her as motivation to clean up. Regardless of what she says I know she won't be able to spend the night with me while I'm using and not get high. I don't ever want to see her sick like she was yessterday. I can use this as motivation to clean up. Sex with her is way better than drugs are anyways. I spent over $350 on dope this last weekend. I don't ever want to do that again. I go to the dentist today. Hopefully they will give me some vicodin and I can use that to step down. I still love her but our relationship didn't work. I don't want to get back together with her. I do want to have sex once a monyh or so though. I know she wants it too. Hopefully she doesn't hide from those feelings. I should get to work.