hmmm.

I don't know what to think right now. After my last entry I texted the wife and told her that writing this stupid blog was doing more to help me get over our whole mess than anything else had. She texted me back a few minutes later and said she liked reading it, that even though it hurt she liked knowing what I was thinking. She also said it made her feel like getting high, and that, that scared her. I responded like a moron of course, but thats not what I want to talk about right now.

First off I have a few questions. Why did I text her about this blog? What was I hoping to get out of that? Why did she text me back her response? Is she telling the truth? ... sorry for the short break. I know you couldn't tell, but I had to run out and score some more dilaudid. This takes me to my final question though. Why does her response scare me?

As far as why I texted her about this blog, I guess I just wanted the attention. I then told her how I would be writing it until I cleaned up. Which is something I know she cares about.

What was I hoping to get out of it. I don't know. I want her to understand me. I want to talk to her for hours and explain everything. She doesn't want to listen though.

I'm sorry hon. I never should have pointed your attention this way. I have to write this like you aren't reading it. If I don't I will fill it full of half truths and vague teasers meant just for you. That won't do me any good. So please pretend I never sent you this way.

I am just going to have to assume that I got an emotional response out of her and that her reaction was honest. I can't help but feel as if she was trying to feed my ego though. Maybe thats just wishful thinking. Because I'll tell you why the response scares me. Its because I've been worried about it myself. I was worried about what would happen today if I had gotten that super good dope. I'm worried about what will happen if I get it on friday. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't even want to sleep with her. I'm scared though. Not of us falling madly back in love with each other for another heroin filled month of sex. That isn't going to happen. I'm worried because I really don't want her getting high anymore, and I'm not sure I would have the strength to say no. Thats the reason we got married, the reason we got back together, I didn't have the strength to say no. I knew both were bad ideas destined to end in misery. Still I went along. Back then she had things I wanted. Even now though, when I assume every word she says is a lie. I don't know how long I could hold out for. How long could I say no?

Its time to shoot a dilaudid. I've actually barely been missing. Which is pretty impressive for my veins anymore. Wish me luck.

Hmm. That was interesting

Just had a bit of a talk with the wife. We are going to have a get together to get divorced, and split our phone bills. I think it sounds like fun. Its actually really nice to talk to her and not feel anything even remotely romantic for her. Its got to be similar to how she has been feeling for awhile now. I kinda envy that. I wish it had been as easy for me to just turn it off. I had to spend a lot of time hurt, and then a lot of time angry, before I finally came around. She went straight from I love you, to nothing. The efficiency is awe inspiring.

Sad Panda

So that super good dope I was supposed to get. Now its not gonna happen. At least not til Friday. No heroin makes me a sad panda. Oh well I've been thinking it may be time to detox for a bit.

What a day.

Well I ended up getting almost an hour of sleep. Even then it was crap sleep, and I tossed and turned. I do remember dreaming though, so it did happen. When my alarm went off at 5:30 in the morning I felt fully awake already. Kinda like I hadn't slept. I made my coffee, brushed my teeth and showed up to work on time. My actual job duties (not sure yet how much I'm gonna talk about those) went very smoothly. I was on top of things and did a good job. I got a bunch of extra work done, and saved the company plenty of money. So that junkie girl I was talking about texts me at about 8:30 this morning to tell me theres some really good dope in town. We decided to split a gram (shit is expensive around here) its now 3:30PM and shes still waiting to meet up with the guy. Fucking junkies. So I didn't fix when I woke up this morning. I fixed at about 3AM. Then I came home on my lunch and shot my last 8MG dilaudid. I just got off half an hour ago. I came home and rinsed my cottons. Actually got a head change from it too. I'm just about nodding right now. I'm really not a fan of dilaudid. The rush is all up the back of your neck. For me it doesn't even make it up into my head. There are plenty that disagree with me, but I prefer the rush from OC. Its all up the front of your forehead. Its a lot like shooting morphne. I'm supposed to meet the wife after she gets off work to talk some shit over. I don't think I want to anymore. Its probably a good idea, because she was all sweet today, and I need a reminder of what a vile cunt she is beneath the surface. I've got to remember to not believe anything she says or implies. Anyways, I just wanted to check in with my public online diary (hopefully anonymous). Hopefully I will get this dope soon. I really do feel better the last couple of days. I think I will try to get off this shit soon.

It's 4AM. I have to wake up at 5:30AM. I have to fall asleep first. So yesterday I decided not to go on an exploratory trip south in the great search for dope. So I just got some dilaudid instead. Then I did a bunch of it. I was pretty wasted for awhile. I'm still kinda high, cause I did my last shot about an hour and a half ago. I have been playing with youtube. I had never really made an account before, so I didn't know half of the stuff you could do. I love watching documentaries. One of my favorite websites is cosmolearning.com. Its a huge repository of educational material on all sorts of subjects. They have lectures, pictures, courses, documents, documentaries, and other videos. The documentaries are generally links to online streaming sites. Since there is a time limit on youtube videos, there a couple of different options when it comes to posting these documentaries. Some people post them as one long video, either to google video or some chinese web sites. The google video ones are fine, but the chinese websites are a pain in the ass. First of all some of them have limited viewings so you can watch a couple videos on their site, then they want you to pay them. second they are slow. It's not uncommon to have the video stop every 30 seconds to download more. The other option is to break the video up into 10 minute sections and post them on youtube. Up until tonight I prefered the first method, even the chinese sites. I did not like having to select a new video every 10 minutes. Tonight I created a youtube account and started creating playlists. I have all of these documentaries I haven't seen, because they were too much of a pain in the ass. Now I get to create playlists and watch them. I'm excited.

It was a good day even before I got the dope. I've been in good spirits all day. I think I'm finally starting to get over the bitch. I really don't want her anymore. Now yes, I am lonely. I would like some companionship with just about anybody. There are things I specifically miss about her, but its not the crazy longing that it was. I'm not really angry anymore. Unlike previous times I haven't been angry though. This time I still see how fucked up what she did to me was. Before when I wasn't angry I was still hung up on her. I had a good day at work. I'm getting myself motivated again. I've decided that I will not be a doormat for her, and if she continues to be disrespectful of me. I am prepared to disrespect her back. I am nodding off (really think I'm just falling asleep) so I am going to go. I don't really remember why I started this post hopefully I did whatever it was I meant to. I'll look it over in the morning.

a quick post from my phone. please forgive any typing mistakes.

I probably shouldn't be writing this while I'm at work. Ilm actually thinking that i may want to clean up soon. Sorry, that would take absolutely anything interesting I might ever have to write about and forever banish it to the unknown. This morning i woke up and rinsed all of my cottons. I actually got a little head change. Today, I'm going to skip the planned excursion to scout for a new dope source, and just see if I can get a gram here in town. If not, I might just detox. For some reason the idea doesn't bother me as much as it did yesterday. Even thoughts of the wife are not quite as painful today. Perhaps things would be better if i had just written her off months ago, not been such a pussy, and stayed off the dope in the first place. Oh well 20-20 hindsight. I'll keep you updated. I know no one is reading this. I don't actually need anyone to. For some reason writing it is enough.

looks like another sleepless night.

Well, I'll be happy if I get a couple of hours of sleep tonight. I barely slept last night. I was hoping that I would get some sleep tonight. I think I've decided not to go on an adventure tomorrow. I'm gonna stick around and just try to score in town. Its generally a lot more expensive here, but the dope I've seen has been good stuff. Well not really, but better than the stuff I can find in San Francisco. Once again I did all my dope too early. I don't have anything left for the morning. Back in my first life as a Junkie I never would have done that. I always saved something for the morning. I guess it doesn't matter as much right now. I don't really have much of a habit right now. Even if I am a little bit sick. I need to just work through it tomorrow. I need to get back to my motivated self. I felt like I almost had it this last weekend. That fire to do something other than poke myself with hollow needles. I will just have to try to recapture it. I need a challenge at work. My job has gotten way too easy, and so I have become way too lazy. The smack doesn't help. This sure would be a lot easier if there was anything other than sex and drugs that I actually enjoyed. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not even human anymore.

fucking junkies

This whole drug experience would be much better if I didn't have to deal with junkies and crack heads to get my shit. I mean fuck. I just spent 2 hours waiting for this junkie bitch I know to kick down 1 8mg diluadid. I don't know how she fucking remembers to breathe. So I get this home, and promptly miss half of my shot. Ok so I'm pretty high, I really can't complain too much. It wouldn't be such a hassle If most of the drug dealers weren't also junkies though. I think I'm going to go on a little adventure tomorrow. Head south and see if I can get my hands on some better dope than what I can get in San Francisco. That shit is super cheap, but I want a good rush. If I can get a good connection in the LA area I think I might just be set. Oh and I didn't get the job I was after. That and theres really no hope of moving any time soon. Hopefully I can hold it together enough, long enough for something to come along to make me care again. If not, I don't know what I'll do.

I'm losing my fucking mind

I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I spent most of this morning telling her, how disgusted I am with her, and how shes the reason I have to stab myself with syringes ten times a day. It may all be true, but telling her this doesn't help anything. It doesn't make me feel better. I was so angry all morning, I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to feel my pain. Then I started talking to an old dear friend. One of the only ones I have left. She helped calm me down enough to where I could apologize. That didn't last long though. The hate I feel for her grew upon me once again. This time I managed not to let her know that though. I'm not exactly sure if that is for the best though. I think it may be good for her to know what a worthless selfish cunt I think she is.

I'm waiting for word back on a job interview I went to on Friday. I really want this job, and though I don't think I'll get it. I am supposed to hear a definite answer today. I think if I got this job, I might just be able to get off the shit and actually have a reason to like myself again. Every hour that I don't hear that no is torture.

Oh and in case you couldn't guess. I'm out of dope. I did it all on the way home yesterday. I don't know if I mentioned that last night. I'm too lazy to check. I've got cash though. One way or another I'm getting loaded tonight.

today I drove home from central California. I stopped in San Francisco to buy some dope. I've been buying from this guy that lives by sixth and mission for a few months now, but his dope is kinda crappy. Most of the people on the street now a days are snorting the shit. Its really not very good for shooting. For that reason I've been trying to find a different connection. I've seen two types of dope recently. The first is dark, and glassy. It doesn't dissolve easily, It really takes a lot of boiling, and its not very good at all. There's really no rush to it, but it will keep you well, and get you kinda high to boot. The second is brown and dirty as shit. There's all sorts of crap left in the spoon after you draw it up. Its better dope though, go figure. Not really much stronger, but the rush is so much better its ridiculous. On the streets there are tons of the first kind and barely any of the second kind. There's also no way to tell what kind you're getting until you buy it and pop it open. Today I went to Leavenworth and Goldengate and bought some dope from this little black guy wearing silly glasses. $40 worth to be exact. Turns out it wasn't either kind though. It was fake shit. Now this was my own damn fault. I was so sick, I didn't follow any of the precautions I should have. after that I took my last $20 (it was supposed to be gas money to get home) and I went and bought a 20 from the guy I've been buying from for a couple of months. I shot all that dope on the way home. Kinda got high too. There's was a while on the drive that I couldn't really see. I had to over draft my bank card to get the gas to get home. I got home. Went to Vons and wrote a check for $50 over. Went to my bank and deposited money to cover the gas, and now tomorrow I have to get a pay day loan to cover the check. Fuck me.

So I get home, and there's a team meeting and work. I work with my wife. Technically she is still my wife, but we've been broken up a few weeks now. (broken up for the second and final time) The first time we broke up it was because she went and got all hung up on some other guy. She texted him constantly, and snuck around behind my back to talk to him. (he gave her butterflies) Well we broke up, and I started shooting heroin again. ( I had almost 9 years clean at that time) She started dating this guy, although she swore up and down that she wasn't. Turns outs she was only sucking his dick. Well about 2 weeks after we broke up the first time, her unstable ass started pining on me again. We started getting high together. (she is a crazy horny bitch when shes high) One thing led to another and soon we were happily married again. With just the minor addition of a heroin habit. Once again she swore that she loved me. She said that she was miserable without me. She said that she would never put me through anything like that again. We started going to marriage counseling. Turns out she knew she had this unhealthy cycle with men. She would just move from one to the next, and only stay as long as the butterflies. Her goal was to break that cycle. My goal was to save our marriage. Then one day, as suddenly as she started loving me again, she decided that she didn't want to get high anymore. She decided this with sheer violence. We cleaned up. Then she wanted to stay at her own house, just a few nights a week. Then she wanted to be single. After a week of not seeing her, I started getting high again. The next day, we broke up. The next week she started hanging out with that same guy. She swears shes not dating him though. Tonight after our team meeting she went to Denny's and hung out with the guy for an hour or so. Shes not dating him though. Shes just going on dates with him. She doesn't think there's anything wrong with that. I knew she was too young. I knew she was too immature. I knew she was too self centered. Why the fuck did I marry her.

Its funny how fast things go from good to terrible between us. Yesterday we were talking and doing fine, and then I got pissed off for some reason. I said some mean things. True things, but mean. She defines herself with her actions. All I do is say the words. A couple hours after that she called me crying, and somehow that made things better. I really am a sucker. I shouldn't have gotten all nice just because she was crying. The truth of the matter is I'm still in love with her. I'm also a fucking moron.