hmmm.

I don't know what to think right now. After my last entry I texted the wife and told her that writing this stupid blog was doing more to help me get over our whole mess than anything else had. She texted me back a few minutes later and said she liked reading it, that even though it hurt she liked knowing what I was thinking. She also said it made her feel like getting high, and that, that scared her. I responded like a moron of course, but thats not what I want to talk about right now.

First off I have a few questions. Why did I text her about this blog? What was I hoping to get out of that? Why did she text me back her response? Is she telling the truth? ... sorry for the short break. I know you couldn't tell, but I had to run out and score some more dilaudid. This takes me to my final question though. Why does her response scare me?

As far as why I texted her about this blog, I guess I just wanted the attention. I then told her how I would be writing it until I cleaned up. Which is something I know she cares about.

What was I hoping to get out of it. I don't know. I want her to understand me. I want to talk to her for hours and explain everything. She doesn't want to listen though.

I'm sorry hon. I never should have pointed your attention this way. I have to write this like you aren't reading it. If I don't I will fill it full of half truths and vague teasers meant just for you. That won't do me any good. So please pretend I never sent you this way.

I am just going to have to assume that I got an emotional response out of her and that her reaction was honest. I can't help but feel as if she was trying to feed my ego though. Maybe thats just wishful thinking. Because I'll tell you why the response scares me. Its because I've been worried about it myself. I was worried about what would happen today if I had gotten that super good dope. I'm worried about what will happen if I get it on friday. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't even want to sleep with her. I'm scared though. Not of us falling madly back in love with each other for another heroin filled month of sex. That isn't going to happen. I'm worried because I really don't want her getting high anymore, and I'm not sure I would have the strength to say no. Thats the reason we got married, the reason we got back together, I didn't have the strength to say no. I knew both were bad ideas destined to end in misery. Still I went along. Back then she had things I wanted. Even now though, when I assume every word she says is a lie. I don't know how long I could hold out for. How long could I say no?

Its time to shoot a dilaudid. I've actually barely been missing. Which is pretty impressive for my veins anymore. Wish me luck.