Christina

Christina was my first wife. The marriage was about as successful as this most recent one. We were together for a lot longer before getting married, but we lasted an even shorter amount of time afterwards. I met Christina when she was 16. I was 18 and we both worked at Wendy's. I dropped acid everyday back then, and made french fries. I was the fry guy, Fitting right? Christina worked the register. I thought she was beautiful from the first time I saw her. She had an olive skin complexion, dark brown hair, and beautiful blue eyes. The first time I ever talked to her we talked about sublime. It was 1998 and their self titled album has recently come out. I was a poor dirty hippie, and she was much more upper class. One day she told me she had some weed, and asked if I had a pipe. I did, and after work I took her to a hiding spot in the bushes behind a drug store near our wendy's. She had about an eighth of some really good weed. I packed a big bowl, in my little glass pipe and began to smoke. She took 2 or 3 hits, and then started passing. It was just the two of us, so I kept smoking. Eventually I quit too. She really couldn't handle her weed, I mean she was really really stoned. (I found out later that she never really liked smoking pot) She said she wanted to go, so I quit smoking and walked her to a starbucks that was nearby, where she was meeting friends. We stopped in the parking lot, as I'm sure her upper class friends watched her say goodbye to this grungy piece of shit in holy clothes and long scraggly hair. The parting was uncomfortable. She was not at all interested, and seemed embarrassed to be seen with me. We didn't hang out again for 2 years.

The next time I saw her, I was at an ex girlfriends house. They were planning a trip to the city to get some H. I had just decided that I wasn't going to go. I was going to stay in town and not do any heroin that night. This beautiful woman, now 18 stormed into the house, and said "God I need some heroin, lets go to the city" I said "I'm going" We took two cars that day. I rode with her. That was an uncomfortable ride. I'm a social retard. I'm good at causing discomfort. One of my best friends and I both got a crush on her. We talked it over, and decided we would tell her how we felt and let her choose. I was a chicken though. I never told her that I was into her. She chose him. Not that she would have picked me instead. They started dating, and she decided to move to San Francisco. She invited him along, and I'm sure he went along with the idea. He is a fucking coward. (like I'm one to talk) He ended up knocking her up right before she moved. One day She came to town, and met up with me. She invited me to the city for the weekend. I went with her. That night we got loaded. We were so fucked up we were nodding off constantly. We were telling each other not to fall asleep. (I'f you're gonna overdose, falling asleep is how you're gonna do it. Heroin slows the heart rate and breathing rate. When you fall asleep your heart rate and breathing rate naturally slow as well. When you combine the two it often stops altogether.) We were so fucked up we would wake up from our little nod off dreams insisting that we hadn't been asleep, but that the milk had been there a second ago. We got to talking about how I was uncircumcised. She said she had never seen an uncircumcised penis. I pulled mine out and she started playing with it. The rest was history. I really do think she loved me. I was not her first choice though.

I'm not going to go into the terrible things she did to me, or all the times I stupidly forgave her right now. I never stopped loving her for a second. Eventually though there was just too much hurt mixed in with that love. One moment I would see my beautiful sweet wife. Then she would say something, and I would see a filthy whore. Then I would get mean to her. I decided she deserved someone that didn't see her like that. She deserved someone that didn't want to hurt her half the time. So the problem was, while I freely forgave, I could never forget the hurt.

We hadn't talked in months before she died. The last time I talked to her had been on her birthday. She had called me and asked me to take her back. She said she could move down. I told her that I couldn't take her back. She was crying. I tried to explain that she deserved to be with someone that wasn't mean to her. I reminded her what I had done to her the last time I had seen her. I had beat her and fucked her in the ass, before making her suck my dick and take my cum in her mouth. She left as I was asleep and left a picture of her when she was 17 with a note on the back. I still have the picture. It said " I love you, remember" Crying she said that I should just not be mean to her. I tried to explain that I loved her, but that it still hurt so bad. I found myself doing things I didn't want to do. She got angry and said that if I wouldn't take her back she wanted a divorce. 3 months later we were divorced. 3 months later than that she was dead.

She had a new boyfriend. She had been cheating on him with that old good friend of mine. He had said he loved her and that if she left her boyfriend he would date her. She got pregnant. She believed it was his baby. She told him. He told her that she should go talk to her boyfriend about that. She secretly went and had an abortion.

One night her boyfriend and her got in a fight. She told him that if he left she was going to kill herself. He said do whatever you want, and left. She called a few people. (I wasn't one of those people. At least I don't think I was.) When her boyfriend got home she was hanging from the rafters. A month later he killed himself too.

I just learned all this, talking to my ex-girlfriend. I now see that I was not the trigger for her suicide. I never really thought I was, we hadn't talked in months. I was the man that held her hand and led her down that road though. I was the man that told her it would be alright, when she got scared and wanted to clean up. I was the man that married her and then spent all our money on crack. I was the man that left her in the city alone. I am the man that didn't come pick her up when she called me from a detox center begging me to come get her. I told her I would be there first thing in the morning. I showed up and she was already gone. I later learned that was the first night that she turned a trick. she fucked some guy for $10. Thats how little she thought of herself. I can't help but think that, that is the night that she really died. So I might not have been the trigger, but god damn I was the one that handed her the gun.

We had made a promise to each other that when we ready to die, we would jump off the golden gate bridge together. Of all the promises that I've broken. Thats the one that bothers me most.

I still love you Christina. I still miss you.