Well. Here goes nothing.

So I am going to a job interview tomorrow. It will be my third in about 3 months. my first was terrible. My second was amazing. Hopefully this one will not only be amazing, but will also end with me getting the job. I've known this interview was going to be coming up for a while. I didn't want to still be strung out when I went to it. I planned on detoxing the last two weekends. Somehow I still found myself setting this interview up on tuesday with only 3 days until I had to be there, strung out. So now I don't have time to detox. I will have to be on something when I go to this interview.

I feel like I'm caught in a bit of a catch 22. I need to be good at this job to boost my self esteem so I can not get high, but I need to get high to be able to do anything. I really really really don't want to be strung out anymore. I find myself getting high though, over and over and over. This weekend I'm really gonna try. I'm gonna leave all my works at home. I'm gonna stop and buy some vicodin, and I'm gonna try to step down slowly. God please let me get this job. I'm scared of what is going to happen if I don't get out of here. In fact I'm scared that I won't be able to quit no matter what. I'm scared that this time its going to be the end of me.

Stop reading now if you don't want to hear it. I tried to talk to her today. I don't mean just talk. We talk all the time. I think we are even going to be able to have sex every once in a while. I mean really talk. I guess that sounds kinda stupid. She won't let her humanity show to me though. I am so scared for her. I feel responsible, like I got her rolling. I see her progressing and showing all of the classic signs, and she still won't listen to me. I would do anything if I could just get her to stop, even for just a little while. She might see whats happening then. I know she isn't stupid. I know shes seen so many people make the same mistake she is making now. Is it her pride that gets in the way? She says she doesn't have a problem. She says it is ok. Does she know better and just refuse to tell me? I wish she could just show me herself. I know whats in there. I know her so well. Not that I understand her, lol. Why does no one else in her life try to stop her? I know I'm not the only one who cares. I am the least likely to be listened to though.

So I just rinsed some cottons from some morphine I had. I really didn't do anything to me. no rush no nothing. Now I wan't to call and get some more. I really really really don't want to do any more though. I want that shot I just did to be my last. I don't know if I'll make it through the night. God I could use some help. I don't have anyone to turn to though. I guess we will see what happens. Good night, and God bless.