Still a bad person

So. I'm not dead. I actually stopped stabbing myself on Dec 17th 2010. It's always Dec 17th for some reason. I have barely thought about this blog, or my whore of an ex-wife (we are still legally married) in the last 2 years. I just haven't had anything that I needed to get out of my head that I wasn't willing to let anyone know. I read my posts now, and although I remember the feelings, and I often actually remember writing the posts, it seems like a different person. I had forgotten how fucked in the head I was when she left me. Guess I forgot because drinking every night will do that to you. I'm thinking about quitting the booze now. It really is a shitty high. I think it might be making me stupid too. not quite crack stupid, but definitely worse than the smack ever was. Maybe I'll start a new blog and call it "I like driving drunk, and you're a piece of shit if you have a problem with that" I like the ring of that. I hesitated to post this at all. My last post seemed like such a fitting end. It seemed like there was a certain art to the flow of the blog. I almost feel as if I am ruining something beautiful by admitting that I am not dead. This entire blog was created with at most an audience of 1 in mind. So. If you're reading this, and you've read the rest, let me know. Should I leave this post in place, or was it better as it was? If you'll excuse me I need to finish my beer and drive to the store for some smokes.

I'm a bad person

Okay, I'm not even gonna pretend like this is anything but a message to you mags. Stay away from me tonight. Do not call me, do not text me. If I call or text do not pick up the phone. Do not reply. If you're curious, I will tell you later, but I am a dangerous person for you to be around right now. Stay away.

Feeling naughty.

I am feeling naughty today. I should find out tomorrow if I will be getting that job I really really want. I am super broke, but I think I'm still gonna get high tonight. I really really feel like getting some coke. I think that might be a good way to say goodbye to needles. It will also be a good way to pass the night. I was feeling really really confident yesterday, but today I am super nervous and worried. I don't know what I will do if I don't get this position. It will be a super big knock to my self esteem. Today one of my bosses pulled me aside. He told me that he called the guy that is making the decision on who gets this job. He said he talked me up a bunch. Apparently it is between me and a guy that is already at the location. This job has two portions, and I am by far the best in the area with one of them, but I am not all that experienced at the other one. That could hurt me. The thing is I am more than capable of doing both, I just haven't done one of them a lot, so I am a little slow at it. I'm a fast learner, all I need is someone to give me a chance. I spend most of my time not really caring about things. This is one of the few times I can remember that I want something so bad I can taste it. Not only that, but god I could quit getting high for good. I could save some money up and pay off my debts. I could make some friends down there, and build a life. Meet a woman that is mature enough to know what she wants. Finally have some kids. In short I could live the dream. It seems like this is a pivot point in my life. I've hung a lot on this one thing. I guess that's why I'm so nervous about it. Sorry I'm such a bad writer.

Update

So I got word back today from the job up north. I did not get it. I find that I am actually very happy about that though. I wasn't sure what I should do. Its good that the decision has been made for me. Now I've hung all of my hopes on this second job though.

My interview for it was pretty amazing so, I will be shocked and upset if I don't get it. Its about an hour and a half away, which is also closer than the job up north was. The trick is going to be not finding any smack hookups. I will be an hour and a half farther away from San Francisco, which will help.

Its going to be a challenge for me to make some friends down there. I think about what it takes to make good friends and all I can think of is finding people with similar interests. I don't know what I'm interested in that other people would be interested in though. I'm sure I'll find something though, and as long as the common interest isn't smack I will be pretty happy about it.

In other news, I'm doing really really well. I find myself being very happy. I am optimistic about the future. I think things are really working out for me. I moved today. I went from an empty house to living with 4 other people. I haven't been able to move my furniture yet, but I will get that done, probably this weekend. It seems like everything is coming together. If I had some steady pussy, my life would be almost perfect. If it was of the same quality as my wifes pussy. my life would be perfect.

Good night and god bless.

what now?

I don't know what to do next. In the last week I've gone to 2 job interviews. One in the bay area and one an hour and a half further south than I already am. I'm almost certain that I will get one of the positions. What has me torn, is which would be better. I should find out about the one in the bay today. Of the two I like the location of the one in the bay more, but I like the the people at the south one more. I'm not sure which is a better place for me. I'm concerned about not being able to clean up. In the bay, I'm real close to the bay, but I'm also real close to my family. South I'm far away from any smack, but I'm gonna be more bored. I guess ill just wait and see what I hear back today from the first place. I'm staying well on vicodin. I feel like a vampire that's forced to live on pigs blood. All in all its going well though. I've only fucked up the once. We will see how it goes.

the more things change..

I'm sitting in a park, downtown in my home town. Dopesick, lonely, bored.I curse my lack of memory. I can't think of anyone that's still in this town that I want to see. At least not that would want to see me. I'm sure there are people. I remember there being people there. I just don't remember anything about them. I've come to some interesting revelations in the past few days. I still don't know if they mean anything. My brother is a hippie now. He's gotten into all sorts of metaphysical shit. I don't know how to feel about that. There are things I want, but I don't know if I should want them. One thing I know for sure is I don't want to go back. I don't want to relive those 10 years. I want to want something. Who fucking cares anyway. I'm gonna get some icecream.

Well. Here goes nothing.

So I am going to a job interview tomorrow. It will be my third in about 3 months. my first was terrible. My second was amazing. Hopefully this one will not only be amazing, but will also end with me getting the job. I've known this interview was going to be coming up for a while. I didn't want to still be strung out when I went to it. I planned on detoxing the last two weekends. Somehow I still found myself setting this interview up on tuesday with only 3 days until I had to be there, strung out. So now I don't have time to detox. I will have to be on something when I go to this interview.

I feel like I'm caught in a bit of a catch 22. I need to be good at this job to boost my self esteem so I can not get high, but I need to get high to be able to do anything. I really really really don't want to be strung out anymore. I find myself getting high though, over and over and over. This weekend I'm really gonna try. I'm gonna leave all my works at home. I'm gonna stop and buy some vicodin, and I'm gonna try to step down slowly. God please let me get this job. I'm scared of what is going to happen if I don't get out of here. In fact I'm scared that I won't be able to quit no matter what. I'm scared that this time its going to be the end of me.

Stop reading now if you don't want to hear it. I tried to talk to her today. I don't mean just talk. We talk all the time. I think we are even going to be able to have sex every once in a while. I mean really talk. I guess that sounds kinda stupid. She won't let her humanity show to me though. I am so scared for her. I feel responsible, like I got her rolling. I see her progressing and showing all of the classic signs, and she still won't listen to me. I would do anything if I could just get her to stop, even for just a little while. She might see whats happening then. I know she isn't stupid. I know shes seen so many people make the same mistake she is making now. Is it her pride that gets in the way? She says she doesn't have a problem. She says it is ok. Does she know better and just refuse to tell me? I wish she could just show me herself. I know whats in there. I know her so well. Not that I understand her, lol. Why does no one else in her life try to stop her? I know I'm not the only one who cares. I am the least likely to be listened to though.

So I just rinsed some cottons from some morphine I had. I really didn't do anything to me. no rush no nothing. Now I wan't to call and get some more. I really really really don't want to do any more though. I want that shot I just did to be my last. I don't know if I'll make it through the night. God I could use some help. I don't have anyone to turn to though. I guess we will see what happens. Good night, and God bless.