Thursday, March 7, 2013
Still a bad person
So. I'm not dead.
I actually stopped stabbing myself on Dec 17th 2010. It's always Dec 17th for some reason. I have barely thought about this blog, or my whore of an ex-wife (we are still legally married) in the last 2 years. I just haven't had anything that I needed to get out of my head that I wasn't willing to let anyone know.
I read my posts now, and although I remember the feelings, and I often actually remember writing the posts, it seems like a different person. I had forgotten how fucked in the head I was when she left me. Guess I forgot because drinking every night will do that to you.
I'm thinking about quitting the booze now. It really is a shitty high. I think it might be making me stupid too. not quite crack stupid, but definitely worse than the smack ever was. Maybe I'll start a new blog and call it "I like driving drunk, and you're a piece of shit if you have a problem with that" I like the ring of that.
I hesitated to post this at all. My last post seemed like such a fitting end. It seemed like there was a certain art to the flow of the blog. I almost feel as if I am ruining something beautiful by admitting that I am not dead.
This entire blog was created with at most an audience of 1 in mind. So. If you're reading this, and you've read the rest, let me know. Should I leave this post in place, or was it better as it was?
If you'll excuse me I need to finish my beer and drive to the store for some smokes.
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Hey man I love your blog. Can you email me? I'd really like to chat with you. Also anyone that wants to team up and go get dope in the Bay Area let me know on here! I just moved to the Bay Area and I can't find any h. I'm a 20 year old white male. aintnosunshine1992@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI can't help you get dope. Sorry man. I haven't scored in over two years. I don't know if the spot has changed, and I have zero contacts in the business. I don't even live near the bay anymore. If you don't have a habit, and it's not an emergency your best bet might be to ask some questions at your local needle exchange. As an aside if anyone has an answer to where to properly score in the bay right now let me know and I'll see about updating the directions page. Or if anyone has any how to's about other cities send them my way, I might add a page.
DeleteSo I took the bus into Santa Cruz, and noticed someone who could help me once I got there. Within 15 minutes I had what I needed and was on my way back to San Jose. FYI the Chiva is much better here than in sf. Other good things : not as hot: and you get more. So my recommendation is to head to Santa Cruz for the day and see were it takes you. So long and happy hunting!
DeleteWhere*
DeleteMike , whats up ?I live outside Santa cruz and never have good luck, where did you go? hit me back. We should meet up.. cjm1111007@yahoo.com. I just emailed you.
DeleteHey Mike,
DeleteI'm gonna hit you up and email you as well. I live in San Francisco so close enough...
Wow, so i am not alone. Hell I live in the TL.. and the gear here is horrible. horrible. Life is weird.. anyone else who wants to meet up.. more then happy. The life of a lonely junkie is not too fun. We get sick alone and fell like god alone.
DeleteSucks, johnanon2013@hmamail.com
hit me up.
Just sat down and read your entire blog... Sounds like you have written my biography.. Im in grad school now, tapering down on suboxone.. But I can relate I have no one to talk to.. I cut ties to my hook-ups and when I went down the trail of addiction I lost all of my "good" friends.. I dont know I still think about using heroin or really anything to get my nod on.. I'm currently in the process of growing poppies lol I dont know why, reservation i guess.. But I just wanted to tell you i enjoy your blog and will continue to keep up with it...
ReplyDeletetdick0008@kctcs.edu <=== email if you ever just want to converse..
hey, I'd really be interested in talking with you, I'm not anywhere near california but no one here I can really talk to and I'd like the anonymous conversation. email me at zcmusiclover13@yahoo.com if you feel the compulsion.
ReplyDeleteI was a hardcore H junkie for well over a decade. I only use H now once every 10 days or so. I got a fire connect, but only call em every week to 2 weeks. Impossible you might think right? I know I would think I was full of shit too if I didn't learn how to control my addiction. I take subutex started on like 4 8MG a day and now am on a half of 1 8MG a day. Been on them since the 5 city trials in like 2004. I was on suboxone & subutex and never let it work for me until I was forced to or be sick. Then I was like no shit this crap works. Once I let my body get used to the subs for like 2 weeks str8 without "Boy" That is what we call it in the South like in ATL, Tampa, Miami, New Orleans ;) Then I went back to doing fire Colombian white rock/brown rock fire shit for a day. Then go back to the subs with no sickness at all. Sleep and eat like a normal person like never I never used. I have maintained like this for over 6 years now. I can hold a job & if I do it once a week or month idc since I never worry about being sick, I do it when I can afford to. If not, fuck it. It usually equals out to about once every 10 days and sometimes it's a half a G and sometimes it's 2 G's remember this is the fire usually white sometimes brown rocky/powder, not tar. The tar doesn't make it East of the Mississippi River. I still love the high and have found a way to use without being a junkie. Just thought I'd share my story to help you all out. Btw, your tolerance never leaves you if you're on subs. You have to get fire to breakthrough the subs, but you will still get pins & needles & nod if it's good. Best part is you do not have to worry about ODin since the subs trick your body into thinking you have a habit/tolerance. Just thought I'd share my story with you all. Like many of you I'm sure you think like me that you can NEVER go back to being a junkie again. Too much bs to deal with and the no sleeping/sickness sux. Well there is a way to control your addiction. It is not easy at first, but once you get the hang of it, it's gravy. Being on a half a pill a day for life is better than the alternative of being a junkie & running the streets. Good Luck.
ReplyDeleteur the fucking man. i live in the bay area, and i an also clean now. u should email me some time, we have a LOT in common, i think it could be beneficial.
ReplyDeleteYou're pretty awesome. I admire your courage to put it all out there.
ReplyDeleteIt's cool you are still out there, and at least relatively well. I mean who out there does not have their share of issues? Even me, boring middle aged married man who drinks a couple of martini's a week, has my own share of daily crap to deal with. As for the blog.. no don't revive it, like you right now, move on to a new one. Sometimes when you dig up the old evils in your life, they sort of find a way to sneak back up and grab you. Damn if I don't know that one. But do let us know where the new blog is... Just my opinion...
ReplyDeleteI began reading your blog January 2012. I moved to Santa Rosa to get away from the heroin I was using in Arizona. I found your blog just buy googling "where to score heroin in San Francisco." and like I said, I began reading your blog a year and a half ago, but I just took my first trip down to the Tenderloin 2 days ago. I went exactly to the spot on Leavenworth St. that you marked on your blog post. It was exactly how to described it and was able to find Chiva in less than a minute. I did exactly what you said and didn't let my money walk, but I ended up paying $20 for a what should have been a dime, and the dope was absolutely terrible. It was definitely heroin, but it was cut with so much other stuff that I barely got a fix. The experience of picking up in the 'Loin was more of a thrill for me than the dope. I'm gonna hit Leavenworth again this time, but I'll keep my eyes peeled for the mexican dealers this around and hopefully their dope will be better. Otherwise I might settle for OC's... Keep posting. I'm eager to read more.
ReplyDeleteHey man,
ReplyDeleteI'm a 42 year-old Englishman and addict who used to live and use in San Francisco (1999-2000)
Like you I got myself clean for a good number of years (7 to be precise)but then relapsed and have been battling off and on for the past four years or so.
I was recently back in San Francisco courtesy of some money left to me by my Dad and holed myself up in the Kabuki hotel on Post St for a month or so whilst slowly losing my mind.
I, like a few others here stumbles across your blog after googling 'where to score heroin in San Francisco' because when I lived in SF I used to have a dealer come to my door but would also occasionally score at 16th and Mission, which is where I ended up scoring recently.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and to let you know that I have enjoyed reading what you have written here...thank you for your courage.
I also blog about similar issues and would like to invite you over...
www.drummerboy1970.wordpress.com
All the best and good luck
Tim
Ps...I also lost a wife in San Francisco...where on earth do the fuckers go???!!!
hahahahahaha!!
Im a 38 year old white male living in the TL.. in the middle of it all.. Been battling my habit now for 5-7 years (lost track, so many detoxes). Lonely? That would be the simple explanation. Im a computer nerd so if you need shit fixed.. Im here..
ReplyDeleteAre we ever really clean?
Anyways.. anyone up for getting into trouble or just chilling hit me up..
johnanon2013@hmamail.com
Thanks
john
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ReplyDeleteBeen reading your blog for three years now. Ever since I moved to SF.... it's kept me entertained at my lowest points. I've been using dope hardcore daily for the bast five or so years. just now getting on methadone... It just feels like trading on evil for another. It's good to hear that you are clean and successfully dope free. my husband loves your blog too and would love to talk to you. Much love man. Keep Up the battle! Hope all is well.
ReplyDeleteI feel you. I always felt like methadone was either a way for the man to get you on his list (although if that's the case the man hasn't done anything noticeable with this list in the past 13 years) or a way for the pharmaceutical industrial complex to share in the loot that was the late 90s heroin boom. When it really comes down to it though, there are at least 4 people (I used to call them friends, but what does that really mean anymore?) That are alive right now, that I honestly don't think would have made it without methadone.
Deletefucking FANTASTIK blog!! Love it man, youre a great writer, dont ever doubt that shit! What a fun trip down horrible alleys of my past (and some present). Its so easy to identify with pretty much everything you have gone through, fuckin sucks, but what are you gonna do.
ReplyDeleteThe TL scene is still happening, best move is to buy a few little bags one at a time, get phone numbers, figure out the best shit, toss the bunk shit and make a call.
The later youre out there the weaker the shit gets and the more likely to run into 'issues' Ive been ripped off four times, swung on the motherfuckers four times, got my money back zero times and almost got my kicked bad one time. Guess what? I wasnt following the rules. Now i tell em ' im putting this in my mouth to bite through the wrapper before i hand you the money' if they arent cool with that i go to the next 50 dudes waiting for my money.
its pretty amazing that in this day and age theres a for sure place to go to score, thats liberalism, lol. I love it. i should hate it but i dont.
any communication welcome at: battic@safe-mail.net i check infrequently,
but i will respond and hope to hear from someone.