today I drove home from central California. I stopped in San Francisco to buy some dope. I've been buying from this guy that lives by sixth and mission for a few months now, but his dope is kinda crappy. Most of the people on the street now a days are snorting the shit. Its really not very good for shooting. For that reason I've been trying to find a different connection. I've seen two types of dope recently. The first is dark, and glassy. It doesn't dissolve easily, It really takes a lot of boiling, and its not very good at all. There's really no rush to it, but it will keep you well, and get you kinda high to boot. The second is brown and dirty as shit. There's all sorts of crap left in the spoon after you draw it up. Its better dope though, go figure. Not really much stronger, but the rush is so much better its ridiculous. On the streets there are tons of the first kind and barely any of the second kind. There's also no way to tell what kind you're getting until you buy it and pop it open. Today I went to Leavenworth and Goldengate and bought some dope from this little black guy wearing silly glasses. $40 worth to be exact. Turns out it wasn't either kind though. It was fake shit. Now this was my own damn fault. I was so sick, I didn't follow any of the precautions I should have. after that I took my last $20 (it was supposed to be gas money to get home) and I went and bought a 20 from the guy I've been buying from for a couple of months. I shot all that dope on the way home. Kinda got high too. There's was a while on the drive that I couldn't really see. I had to over draft my bank card to get the gas to get home. I got home. Went to Vons and wrote a check for $50 over. Went to my bank and deposited money to cover the gas, and now tomorrow I have to get a pay day loan to cover the check. Fuck me.

So I get home, and there's a team meeting and work. I work with my wife. Technically she is still my wife, but we've been broken up a few weeks now. (broken up for the second and final time) The first time we broke up it was because she went and got all hung up on some other guy. She texted him constantly, and snuck around behind my back to talk to him. (he gave her butterflies) Well we broke up, and I started shooting heroin again. ( I had almost 9 years clean at that time) She started dating this guy, although she swore up and down that she wasn't. Turns outs she was only sucking his dick. Well about 2 weeks after we broke up the first time, her unstable ass started pining on me again. We started getting high together. (she is a crazy horny bitch when shes high) One thing led to another and soon we were happily married again. With just the minor addition of a heroin habit. Once again she swore that she loved me. She said that she was miserable without me. She said that she would never put me through anything like that again. We started going to marriage counseling. Turns out she knew she had this unhealthy cycle with men. She would just move from one to the next, and only stay as long as the butterflies. Her goal was to break that cycle. My goal was to save our marriage. Then one day, as suddenly as she started loving me again, she decided that she didn't want to get high anymore. She decided this with sheer violence. We cleaned up. Then she wanted to stay at her own house, just a few nights a week. Then she wanted to be single. After a week of not seeing her, I started getting high again. The next day, we broke up. The next week she started hanging out with that same guy. She swears shes not dating him though. Tonight after our team meeting she went to Denny's and hung out with the guy for an hour or so. Shes not dating him though. Shes just going on dates with him. She doesn't think there's anything wrong with that. I knew she was too young. I knew she was too immature. I knew she was too self centered. Why the fuck did I marry her.

Its funny how fast things go from good to terrible between us. Yesterday we were talking and doing fine, and then I got pissed off for some reason. I said some mean things. True things, but mean. She defines herself with her actions. All I do is say the words. A couple hours after that she called me crying, and somehow that made things better. I really am a sucker. I shouldn't have gotten all nice just because she was crying. The truth of the matter is I'm still in love with her. I'm also a fucking moron.