So I went home on my lunch. I may be a loser with no self control, but at least I'm high. I've been thinking about detoxing a lot recently. I'm gonna kinda be forced to detox for a while after this weekend for financial reasons. I'm kinda worried about that. I don't really care about being sick, I don't have a heavy enough habit to really be that bad. I'm worried about if I'll still be able to cope sober though. I'm doing more than coping now. I'm actively happy that we're through. Don't get me wrong, in a perfect world she wouldn't have turned out the way she did, but I'd rather be alone than with who she is right now. I've also accepted what she is, for a long time I tried to lie to myself. As bad as it sounds I thought it would take longer to get over her because the sex was so good. I didn't really get over the last girl that was like that in bed until I got together with the wife. So I'm worried that when I get off the junk and my libido comes back, I'm gonna start mourning the loss of all that really great sex. It was amazing, I would upload some pictures, but I'm pretty sure it violates the terms of service. Maybe I'll post one of the ones where she is covered in blood. I consider that art rather than pornography. Anyways I'm nodding off at the keyboard. I'm gonna rinse some cottons and maybe take a nap. My life is so hard.

decisions decisions

I really want to head home and fix on my lunch. I've only got the one dilaudin left though. i am not gonna go on a road trip today, and I would like one day where i don't have to deal with that junkie bitch. Of course I only need to be well through tomorrow for work. After that I'm gonna be loaded or detoxing. I really think its time to quit. I think I might finally be ready to cope with being married to a whore sober.

wow sleep is nice.

good morning. 6:13 am here. just a quick post from my phone before i actually start working. It's July 1st which means the year is half over. its been a hell of a year so far. I've split up with the woman I love twice and relapsed after almost 9 years clean. there been a lot of pain, finding her cheating on me, seeing her drift away. watching her make the same mistakes. There has been a lot of pleasure, you would not believe the things i've done to that woman. I've got a lot of them on video. It's hard to watch the videos though. First off they're a reminder of how different she is now. Second I she does not look good when she is that loaded. It conflicts me. On the one hand, it makes me angry to remember just how much she betrayed me. After the first time she got all retarded and cheated on me, she said all sorts of things and made all sorts of promises. she said that her life didn't work without me, She promised that even if she started feeling like she had before she wouldn't act the same. I dont understand how someone can make such a huge change so fast. I dont understand how she can be so stupid, that she doesn't see that there is much more going on than meets the eye. I dont understand how all of her promises can mean nothing. its like she enjoys breaking them. on the other hand. I'm glad shes not getting high anymore. I hope she stays clean, and i hope she actually does well. I dont think she will. I'm gonna be partly to blame when she relapses. hopefully she just stays off the speed. I have to remember the betrayal though. I need to keep that in the center of my mind. When she smiles at me, I have to remember how when she was cheating on me back in march, she was telling me she loved me, and then sneaking away to text him. I've got to remember that she is a two faced lying whore, that will do anything to get what she wants. Not because it makes me angry, it really doesn't anymore. Just because I don't want to buy into her shit ever again.

Once again, this is posted from my phone. I apologize for any gramatical errors. If i get a chance, I'll run through it on my desktop and fix some of the mistakes.

hmmm.

I don't know what to think right now. After my last entry I texted the wife and told her that writing this stupid blog was doing more to help me get over our whole mess than anything else had. She texted me back a few minutes later and said she liked reading it, that even though it hurt she liked knowing what I was thinking. She also said it made her feel like getting high, and that, that scared her. I responded like a moron of course, but thats not what I want to talk about right now.

First off I have a few questions. Why did I text her about this blog? What was I hoping to get out of that? Why did she text me back her response? Is she telling the truth? ... sorry for the short break. I know you couldn't tell, but I had to run out and score some more dilaudid. This takes me to my final question though. Why does her response scare me?

As far as why I texted her about this blog, I guess I just wanted the attention. I then told her how I would be writing it until I cleaned up. Which is something I know she cares about.

What was I hoping to get out of it. I don't know. I want her to understand me. I want to talk to her for hours and explain everything. She doesn't want to listen though.

I'm sorry hon. I never should have pointed your attention this way. I have to write this like you aren't reading it. If I don't I will fill it full of half truths and vague teasers meant just for you. That won't do me any good. So please pretend I never sent you this way.

I am just going to have to assume that I got an emotional response out of her and that her reaction was honest. I can't help but feel as if she was trying to feed my ego though. Maybe thats just wishful thinking. Because I'll tell you why the response scares me. Its because I've been worried about it myself. I was worried about what would happen today if I had gotten that super good dope. I'm worried about what will happen if I get it on friday. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't even want to sleep with her. I'm scared though. Not of us falling madly back in love with each other for another heroin filled month of sex. That isn't going to happen. I'm worried because I really don't want her getting high anymore, and I'm not sure I would have the strength to say no. Thats the reason we got married, the reason we got back together, I didn't have the strength to say no. I knew both were bad ideas destined to end in misery. Still I went along. Back then she had things I wanted. Even now though, when I assume every word she says is a lie. I don't know how long I could hold out for. How long could I say no?

Its time to shoot a dilaudid. I've actually barely been missing. Which is pretty impressive for my veins anymore. Wish me luck.

Hmm. That was interesting

Just had a bit of a talk with the wife. We are going to have a get together to get divorced, and split our phone bills. I think it sounds like fun. Its actually really nice to talk to her and not feel anything even remotely romantic for her. Its got to be similar to how she has been feeling for awhile now. I kinda envy that. I wish it had been as easy for me to just turn it off. I had to spend a lot of time hurt, and then a lot of time angry, before I finally came around. She went straight from I love you, to nothing. The efficiency is awe inspiring.

Sad Panda

So that super good dope I was supposed to get. Now its not gonna happen. At least not til Friday. No heroin makes me a sad panda. Oh well I've been thinking it may be time to detox for a bit.

What a day.

Well I ended up getting almost an hour of sleep. Even then it was crap sleep, and I tossed and turned. I do remember dreaming though, so it did happen. When my alarm went off at 5:30 in the morning I felt fully awake already. Kinda like I hadn't slept. I made my coffee, brushed my teeth and showed up to work on time. My actual job duties (not sure yet how much I'm gonna talk about those) went very smoothly. I was on top of things and did a good job. I got a bunch of extra work done, and saved the company plenty of money. So that junkie girl I was talking about texts me at about 8:30 this morning to tell me theres some really good dope in town. We decided to split a gram (shit is expensive around here) its now 3:30PM and shes still waiting to meet up with the guy. Fucking junkies. So I didn't fix when I woke up this morning. I fixed at about 3AM. Then I came home on my lunch and shot my last 8MG dilaudid. I just got off half an hour ago. I came home and rinsed my cottons. Actually got a head change from it too. I'm just about nodding right now. I'm really not a fan of dilaudid. The rush is all up the back of your neck. For me it doesn't even make it up into my head. There are plenty that disagree with me, but I prefer the rush from OC. Its all up the front of your forehead. Its a lot like shooting morphne. I'm supposed to meet the wife after she gets off work to talk some shit over. I don't think I want to anymore. Its probably a good idea, because she was all sweet today, and I need a reminder of what a vile cunt she is beneath the surface. I've got to remember to not believe anything she says or implies. Anyways, I just wanted to check in with my public online diary (hopefully anonymous). Hopefully I will get this dope soon. I really do feel better the last couple of days. I think I will try to get off this shit soon.